GIRL, YOU NEED TO LOVE YOURSELF! INDEPENDENT WOMAN! SO GIRL BOSS! LOVING YOURSELF IS THE KEY TO LIFE!
These messages flood our social media feeds. Scrolling instagram can feel like a never ending inner battle. On one hand comparison is so prevalent, and on the other hand the surge in the self love movement is screaming at us to stop comparing and just love ourselves. It can be exhausting. The self love movement while having good intentions certainly has some underlying toxicity. Most profoundly, self love in the media is commonly portrayed as an ultimate, finite goal; displayed as if there will be a day where you will wake up with every insecurity having vanished into thin air. But this is just not true. We are humans. Things happen. Life happens. Especially for those with a uterus, we are constantly in a cycle of a varied release of hormones. Instead of attempting to reach a final goal of self love, we can focus on a journey of self love and celebrate the small wins along the way. It’s a beautiful thing that there is no end destination of self love. It’s something that ebbs and flows with the seasons. Like the flowers. Flowers aren’t always blooming and we would never expect a flower to always bloom. I personally have never walked into a garden in the winter and been angry at a flower for not blooming. So why do we expect this of ourselves? A common message pushed out is that one must reach this end destination of self love in order to be loved by others. But is this the truth? Do we really need to love ourselves, in order for others to love us?
As humans we are observational learners, meaning humans learn by watching the actions of others. We see and we copy. It’s a fairly straightforward practice, however it shapes society in a profound way. Social norms and basic, fundamental behaviors are passed down in this way. Psychologist, Albert Bandura, in the 1960s performed landmark studies revealing the observational nature in which humans learn. In the study, groups of children observed how adults played with a Bobo doll. The children who observed more gentle play mimicked this behavior, while children who observed aggressive play, kicking the bobo doll, jumping on it, screaming at it, copied this behavior.
Observation is a useful tool that can be used in a self love journey. Intentionally watching how the people in your life are treating you, can show you ways to love yourself. Watch how your mother wipes your tears. Notice how your significant other lights up when they hear your laugh or the way your best friend hypes you up when you are getting ready to go out together. Take note of the favors your friends are willing to do. The list of the ways others show us love goes on and on.
Of course in order for this observation to be effective in a self love journey, you must make sure you are surrounding yourself with the right people. I encourage you to take inventory of the people in your life this week. Choose 3-5 people you are interacting with most frequently in your life. For a week, pay extra attention to how they show you love. If you notice their actions are not aligning with how you believe you should be treated, consider creating some distance from these people. After all, you are learning how to love yourself by observing them loving you, whether you know it or not.