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PMS: Pretty Miserable Stuff

Hormones are pretty intense sometimes. I seriously feel like my emotional meter has the ability to bounce back and forth between calm, complacent, easy to please, and “Mom, if I hear one more James Taylor song I’m going to grab the wheel and swerve into a Semi-truck going 75mph on 81 North”. And the sad part is – I mean it. I am not effing around here. Enter PMS. That lovely character that tweaks your emotions like a mysterious fairy for a couple days before you are released from her grasp by bleeding for a week (aw yea ladies, the perks of being a woman!!!). I don’t believe in the Tooth Fairy, but I believe whole-heartedly in the PMS Fairy. That sneaky b!tch has a mind of her own, and she uses and abuses her privilege to mess around with your emotions.

For example, I will have had a great day. I got an “A” on that paper that I wrote before class, I managed to contain myself at ABP and not spend the last 50% of my meal plan in one sitting, I curled my hair and spent an actual minute on my make-up, and I feel good about myself overall. Then out of nowhere- BAMMY WHAMMY MCSLAMMY; I find myself crying in the corner by myself because I have a hangnail…mind you hang nails hurt, but it’s not the physical pain that I’m crying about. The PMS Fairy has whacked me over the head with her b!tch-a$$ wand and ruined my day, (more like my week). I go home with tear-streaked cheeks to my boyfriend, and I cheer up immediately (corny, but true). Happy go-lucky me is back in action, only to take a joke of his the wrong way, and I’m back to sulking in my room, Facebook stalking the crap out of myself. Don’t even lie to yourself right now, you know you do that. My boyfriend is left bewildered why I took him seriously THIS time when he told me I was a Fatty-Fatty-Boom-Ba-Latty (to quote South Park).

If all of this isn’t bad enough, men never believe you’re actually PMSing. They think it’s a “made-
up” excuse that you’re just using to get your way. Uhm, no it’s not, and you can STFU mister, because I am emotional and not tryna hear it. Does anyone else feel relieved when they get their period? Not only have you made it through another month of being free of a bun in the oven, but you also get a release of all the pent up stress you’ve been feeling, and you finally get to climb off the emotional rollercoaster you’ve been riding for the last couple of days. Just me? Maybe—but I’m okay with that.

I always try and pinch myself when I realize that I’m crying (or excessively happy- it can go both ways) due to a surplus of hormones pulsing through my bloodstream. I don’t actually know if they (hormones) are even in my bloodstream, but please bear with my thinking for a minute. I pinch myself because I want to try and be as rational as possible during the time of month where I know I behave extra irrationally. It only seems fair to those around me, and myself, that I take a minute to evaluate exactly why I am acting like a “Crazy Bitch”, (to quote Buckcherry). I may feel crazy, and you may too, but in reality we’re just a band of women battling the PMS Fairy as she dishes out her poison, and more power to us for doing a damn good job!
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