You wake up.
You realize your makeup transferred onto your pillow, leaving behind a horrible impression of self-tanner and blue eyeshadow. Your once beautifully quaffed Paul Mitchell hair is now looking more Russell Brand like. You remember drinking boxed wine but your head feels like the bag slapped you.
And now, worst of all, as you sit in bed trying to figure out what each stamp on your hand represents, and why the hell you have 17 new outbox messages (don’t read them), you start to wonder: When did I put up that Pink Floyd poster? Why do my bed sheets smell like cat piss? And why the f*** am I in a loft?
Don’t panic. You’ve woken up in a stranger’s bedroom. However, you’ve broken one of the several rules of one-night stand etiquette….
1) The Long Goodbye. Don’t overstay your welcome. Don’t wait around in bed nervously laughing about how many rails you had the night before at TOT’S, especially if he has already gotten up. Pick your “going-out underwear” and Vera Bradley wristlet off the ground and haul a** out of there—unless you live in Narnia and he’s offered to give you a ride home.
2) Cheap Talk. Keep it casual.After the big moment, don’t overwhelm him with a deep conversation. Never talk about ex-boyfriends, marriage, and anything personal and/or of creepy nature. Here are a few examples of how not to start a conversation with a stranger you just had sex with:
God, I want a baby like right now.
Do you want to talk about what just happened?
When I was little, I was violated by a ghost…
And please, if you must talk about such things, keep crying to a bare minimum.
3) Not Anything Goes. Try not to breakout the whips and muzzles. Keep it simple. That doesn’t mean you can’t go a little out of your boundaries. Feel free to spread out the tarp and fake blood. However, yelling out say “Say my name!” could get a little awkward if the person actually doesn’t remember it.
4) Beer Goggles. Ugly people need love too. But don’t be surprised if you spend a night with Ryan Phillippe and wake up to Phillip Seymour Hoffman. If you do, maybe a nice eggs and kegs will help smooth over things. And if not, there’s a hotline for everything these days.
5) Get-Out-Early Clause. Always make a backup excuse to dip if you’re just not feeling it. Even if you’re at your place, have one in the back of your head. Some golden examples are:
I have to go change my pet.
You should probably go, I have a 2:30 tomorrow.
S***!!!…. and then mysteriously sprint out the building.
This rule should be especially applied if he fits one of the following descriptions—his name is Guy, he loves taxidermy and he collects stickers.
6) Walk of Shame? This is more of a state of mind. Don’t have shame. Everyone doesn’t know you don’t normally where stilettos and sweatpants on a Sunday afternoon. This rule is completely prevalent to the fraternity slow clap. Keep your head up—there’s a reason those b****es are wearing pink corduroys.
7) Stay Safe. Last but not least, I cannot stress enough to stay safe, and be responsible for your actions. Wear protection and let a friend know where you are at all times. If you ever feel unsafe, leave immediately. Never second-guess yourself or ignore your gut. Who knows, a girls night-out could be all you need to have a good time.