Sometimes when I let insecurity and anxiety get the best of me, I have to remind myself that I am enough. I struggle a lot with feeling like I’m not good enough for the people in my life, a feeling that never seems to go away. I’m at a place in my life right now where this feeling is amplified and the thought is blaring in my head at maximum volume, never dulling or subsiding. The insecurity runs rampant in my mind, and I wonder if I’ll ever feel like I am enough. No matter how hard I try to ignore the feeling, it’s always there, reminding me of all the ways I could have been better.
I am enough.
I’m a good friend and I know that. I love deeply and unconditionally, sometimes to a fault, and I’m selfless. Above anything else, I am a selfless friend. I lift people up when they’re feeling down, I have their back when no one else does and I lend a helping hand whenever possible. I give endlessly; my bucket runs dry as I use its contents to fill those of my friends until they’re overflowing. Their happiness impacts me greatly, and when they’re upset, I blame myself. I give and I give and I give to no end. I ask for nothing in return — their friendship is all I need.
I am enough.
Despite being the good friend I know myself to be, sometimes it just isn’t enough. Sometimes they choose to find friendship elsewhere and sometimes there is no reason, they just up and go. But my mind doesn’t let me believe the reason was anything other than myself — I did something to make them leave. I didn’t make them happy enough, I wasn’t fun enough, I wasn’t enough. My mind runs through a list miles long of every single little mistake I made throughout the friendship, reminding me of what I did wrong to make them leave. I’m human, I make mistakes, but I get in my head and convince myself that all of the blame is on me, when in reality that isn’t always the case.
I am enough.
I am a good friend, a good daughter, a good girlfriend. I am a good person. While there are many ways I could improve at being these things, I know I’m doing all right for the most part. I know I can’t control everything and everyone around me, no matter how much I wish I could. People come and go in life, that’s just the way it is, and I have to accept the harsh truth. I have to accept that it’s not always my fault when people leave, sometimes the reasons are greater than me and out of my control. And as much as I wish I could, I can’t convince people to stay when they don’t want to. I deserve so much more than begging for love from someone who refuses to give it. Because of how selfless I am when it comes to relationships and how much I give and give and give without ever taking, I deserve people who will treat me with respect. I deserve people who will stick it out during a rough patch, people who don’t give up on me, because that’s what I would do. I can’t control the world, I can’t control what people do and I most certainly can’t control what people think of me. What’s done is done, and I need to move on.
I am enough.
I need this reminder now more than ever. Breathe in, breathe out. Be quiet, my racing mind, and heal. You will get through this and come out the other side even stronger than before. You are a good friend, a good daughter and a good person, inside and out. It runs in your veins and it’s what your mom taught you to be. You choose to shine light in people’s lives but some people prefer to live in the dark, and that’s OK. They’re missing out, and you know that. Don’t let the insecurity and anxiety get the best of you, you know your worth and what you bring to the table. You don’t need the approval of everyone to be happy, you can shine on your own.
I am enough. I am enough. I am enough.