I don’t know about you guys, but after watching Lemonade, I cannot WAIT for my future boyfriend to cheat on me! Thanks, Beyoncé!!
The other day a friend of mine asked me for dating advice. She told me about how she’s having this problem of guys constantly asking her out and her not knowing how to nicely turn them down. It made me wonder, what’s the metaphor in that it’s Saturday night and I just used a pack of unused birth control to scrape off dried candle wax from my floor?
Having recently become single and jumping back into the nightmare that is casual dating in college, I’ve discovered a multitude of new and fun ways to reject possible suitors. (Although let the records show that this incredibly hot guy in my class and I both have a cold. I encourage any and all rumors.) As a theatre student, I’ve been taught by my professors that saying no all the time kills creativity. That being said, for the third time this week, guy I met on Tinder, I do not want to meet you for coffee. Below are my top ten modern and chic ways to kindly reject dates:
1. According to TV shows, suddenly kissing someone is the best way to make them stop talking. I’ve found that texting them twice in a row works just as well.
2. “It’s not you, it’s you content,” is my new go-to breakup line.
3. The best form of defense through text messages is to add a Kanye amount of exclamation points to what you say!!!!!!!!!!
4. I’ve found that the hardest part of committing to a relationship is committing to all of the interests you made up on your first date. Studies show that men are afraid of committment so scare them off with just that. Why stop at marriage? Jump right into an argument about starting a college fund for your adopted twins.
5. Defy Netflix and chill expectations by using your vibrator as a back massager on him. He won’t see it coming!
6. Ask him to take you to a fancy restaurant. Proceed to order the lobster and ask for it alive. When it comes, order a well-balanced meal for your new pet lobster. Look your date in the eye and tell him the lobster has his nose.
7. Before the date, look up pictures of his mother and dress the same as her. Call him by his childhood nickname. Be sure to lick your thumb and get that bit of ketchup off the side of his mouth. If that doesn’t work, dress as his father and repeat.
8. After each preview at the movies, assure your date, “The actual film will be much longer than that.”
9. Talk like a child and abbreviate things unironically. Use cool conversation starters like, “What side did your family fight for during the Civil War?”
10. Become friends with more hopeless romantics. They already know it’s hopeless, so they won’t even try to date you.