I’ve always been overweight. I was never really heavy until recently, but I was always really tall and a little chubby as a kid. I had a few years when my growth spurt first hit and my weight ballooned even though I was constantly dieting. Now I know that was normal and healthy, but at the time, it made me very self-conscious. I was always aware that I was bigger than most of my friends, and while my weight isn’t necessarily unhealthy for my height, I found that I was always worried about how other people perceived my weight.
I was a ballerina for about 10 or 11 years. I started when I was about four; and I can still remember my first recital, and I still have the small little teddy bear costume that looks like it was made for a doll. I never knew my weight was truly an issue until it was made clear in my ballet classes that I was consistently singled out by my teachers. Being the only girl of color in almost all of my classes, and being one of the few who wasn’t as thin as a rail, I found it hard to feel confident doing something that I loved. I was always told to suck in my gut and tighten up my butt muscles. It seemed that being the only girl with a little extra weight wasn’t what they wanted in the ballet world, and when I grew a few inches and lost a few pounds, it became even more evident. I was praised for my weight loss and told how great I looked. A stark contrast from being told that I needed to suck in my gut so I’d look smaller.
Even when I left the dance world I found that my struggles with my weight and food would be something i’d deal with for the rest of my life. I was constantly made fun of by boys for being chubby and I can remember in high school, a guy who would later try to hit on me, made a comment about how the floor was shaking as I walked down the steps. I was constantly reminded that my thighs were big and my hips were wide. I never felt comfortable in my own skin, even during the times when I was healthy and in control.
I struggled with an undiagnosed depression and anxiety that was emotionally draining and I found comfort in food. I loved cooking and baking and I loved eating what I made. I still had worries about how others saw me, so I wouldn’t eat much in public or at school, but I’d binge as soon as I got home. It was this unfortunate relationship with anxiety, self-hatred, and food that led to years of beginning in private when no one was looking and depriving myself of food when I was around people. I was in a difficult place and not even my parents understood what I was going through. My mom tried to help by getting me to watch how much I ate and trying to get me to work out more, but it honestly had the opposite effect. This thin, fit woman constantly reminding me that I was chubby and didn’t work out like I should made me feel worse about how my body looked. Having a father who would blatantly tell you that you needed to lose weight and that you were getting big was not a motivation part of life.
I internalized so much of what other people said that I got to a point where their insults became reality because my eating habits were so out of control. I used food as a way to make myself feel better because it was the one thing I knew I could control in my life. It took being diagnosed with narcolepsy and struggling just to get out of bed or to stay awake after going on a hot car ride for me to accept that I would have to learn to love the body I had regardless of the problems it may have. I still struggle with binge eating and withholding food for long periods of time, but it’s nowhere near as bad as it used to be.
I guess my message in all of this is that fat shaming can do a lot more damage than just hurt someone’s feelings in the moment. Things that you say can stick with people forever and sometimes that can be more harmful than good. I overcame fat shaming, and though I still encounter it today, I know that regardless of what others think of me, I know how strong I am and how strong my body is. I decided that I would no longer let the judgments of others influence how I look at myself. While I’m not always happy with what I see in the mirror, I know that my body has been through hell and back and I appreciate the fact that I am in control.
At the end of the day, you never know a person’s full story, and until you walk a mile or two in their shoes, you have no right to tell someone that they are fat or that they need to lose weight to look better. We all have our flaws, would you want people pointing out yours to you everyday of your life? Probably not. So, the next time you think about saying something to someone who is overweight, don’t. No one wants more reminders about a situation they are already aware of ,and the day that people realize that and let people live their lives without worry of being judged, will be the day that a lot of people start to mend their relationships with food.
So, to those who struggle with any type of eating disorder, please know that there is help out there for you. I found help through my amazing therapist and the support of a few great friends. If you or anyone you know struggles with an eating disorder, please feel free to contact:
National Eating Disorder Association (800)-931-2237
Cook Counseling Center (540) 231-6557
The Healthy Eating and Assessment and Referral Team (HEART) 540-231-6445
Image Sources:
Gifs from Giphy.com