Over the years I’ve helped friends through heartbreak and utter despair at the end of a relationship. Unfortunately, I cannot honestly say that every single one of these relationships needed to end and I definitely don’t agree with some of the reasons that they have. But that’s life, right? We are young and naive more often than we are mature and wise about our actions. We can only learn through experience and while my friends had some rough times, fortunately, I can honestly say that they all grew a little bit more each time.
Half of the time when a relationship starts to peer into the deep, dark abyss that is breaking up, it has a lot to do with unnecessary paranoia that encouraged one side to make a rash decision that crippled the trust in the relationship. And what is a relationship without trust?
The answer to that question, by the way, is nothing. It is not a relationship anymore. From where I stand, it’s much more like a dictatorship. Only one can be truly happy and comfortable, and most importantly, in control of the other. There are no boundaries anymore and one is constantly put beneath the other.
That may sound dramatic but if you really think about it, the little things like not letting your partner go out with friends or deciding for them what they are and aren’t capable of is an attempt to exert complete control over a partner. The best explanation for that behavior is lack of trust. Doesn’t sound very fair, huh?
When it comes to forming a new relationship, these are the types of little things that should be avoided. If you can separate your relationship from insecurities and negative thoughts, you stand a much better chance at getting where you aim to go.
One of the best things in general that you can do for a relationship is to give your partner the benefit of the doubt. That does NOT mean overlook every action or forgive them for every mistake. People mess up and that’s okay but that means there will be times when you sit them down and you talk.
Communication is like fertilizer for a relationship. You need to be able to tell a partner what concerns you or makes you feel a certain way. If you constantly bottle up your fears, they will flower and bloom into that little devil, paranoia, and you might find yourself somewhere you never realized you were headed.
When I say give your partner the benefit of the doubt, I mean don’t freak out every time they don’t carry on a conversation. I mean don’t overanalyze their text messages. We are all human beings and we have good and bad times. We may not always be in the mood to text or call and that is absolutely okay. The best part of not talking all the time is that when you finally do talk again, you’ll likely have a lot more to say and you won’t have to worry so much about who’s going to carry on the conversation. There isn’t always something to say in every moment and separation can be healthy. Especially when you’re still figuring each other out.
If you’ve been with your partner a bit longer and you’re concerned about a message they wrote, not because you’ve read it over too many times but maybe because it doesn’t sound like them, that is okay too. But don’t let it drive you over the edge. Try not to be angry or sad. Try and see if they’re having a rough day or are just in a mood. They might tell you or they might not, but don’t be upset if they don’t want to talk about it or are harsh or rude when they do. Clearly something is up and we all have bad days. Do what you can to show your partner you’re willing to handle it if they want to share or that you can give them space if that’s what they need.
Paranoia and apprehension can convince us that when our emotions are out of control they are actually rational. Having an emotional response is completely normal but it is what you do in response to those emotions that will determine the growth of trust and caring in your relationship.
The best thing you can do for yourself is remember that there will be good times and bad. The bad times are what make the good better. Have faith in your partner and give them the benefit of the doubt until they give you major reason not to. Let them in and show you are there for them. Even at the end of all this you might get hurt. It might be one of the worst pains you will have to deal with but that is okay too. If nothing ever hurt, you’d never learn and you would never get stronger. And when the pain fades and you move on and try again, you’ll be more experienced and ready to handle whatever is thrown at you.
