Dear Self-Proclaimed Nice Guy,
Hi. I know you probably think you deserve so much from me after telling me I’m beautiful and holding open a door for me. While it was much appreciated, I actually owe you nothing but a “thank you.” No. I’m not a “b*tch” for not wanting your attention and I’m actually nowhere near anti-social. I’m just not that interested. I think it’s great that you have manners, but please don’t get it twisted. It’s actually kind of ironic that you call yourself such a “nice guy.” Why wasn’t I all of those derogatory names you referred to me as prior to you being rejected? Let me apologize for damaging your fragile masculinity. That must be so hard to handle. However, you did make a great actor for the time being. I almost thought you were a nice guy. We had only known one another for five minutes when you told me you would be willing to do everything my last man wouldn’t. It’s amazing to me how quickly you can determine someone’s “type.” It’s amazing to me that you think you know exactly what every girl wants. I’m sorry to let you down, but the truth is that girls would rather not be with a guy that feels entitled to whatever he wants because of his basic home-training. Oh, and we hear you talking. If your favorite things to say are “nice guys always finish last” or pretty much anything having to do with being “friend-zoned,” I might be speaking to you, too. According to the self-proclaimed nice guy, the “friend-zone” is apparently the worst position to be in when it comes to being infatuated with someone. Allow me to apologize again for your odd ability to treat my affability as an opportunity to become more than just a friend. I also want you to know that every guy any girl has ever been with before meeting you is not a jerk. There are a variety of reasons for a break-up, so you probably shouldn’t make that generalization. The next time you make such a positive assertion about yourself, please provide factual information to back that “nice guy” title up. (Disclaimer: good conduct doesn’t count). You claiming to be a “nice guy” does not equate to me claiming to want anything from you, no matter what you think you should receive. I do think about you from time to time. I wonder how that “nice guy” thing is going for you. I wonder if you’ve completely given up on pretending. I wonder if you’ve become that “jerk” that you think every girl prefers over you. So, Self-Proclaimed Nice Guy, here’s some advice: actions speak louder than words. If you feel the need to tell a girl you’re a nice guy, you’ve already lost the battle. Sorry.
By the way, if anything about this letter bothered you, then well, you might just be a “nice guy,” too.
Sincerely,
Every Girl Ever