To My Almost Assaulter,
I was vulnerable. I had said yes to everything we had done. You had your chance and you almost took it. Though you did not explicitly ask for my consent, I had not said no and had gone along with it. While it didn’t feel exactly right, it didn’t feel as wrong as it should have. I was lonely, sad and you had been comforting me. You were the first person I kissed since my very messy breakup. It felt good to be held and caressed and kissed. I forgot how much fun just kissing was.
You were drunk and you were strong. You didn’t listen when I said stop, that I had to go, that it was getting late and my parents would be worried. You tossed my phone into the passenger seat and out of reach of the backseat where I was laying. This should have been a warning sign. I should have pushed you off of me and told you to get out of my car.
But I didn’t.
I kept kissing you even though it didn’t feel right. I let you remove my shirt and lay there while you took off your belt. I didn’t want to go any further than kissing. But you did. So I went along with it, because even though it wasn’t what I wanted it didn’t feel exactly wrong.
You were so drunk and you were so strong. I couldn’t get you off of me when I was most scared. You did everything but hold my wrists down and assault me.
But you could have.
I kicked and I yelled and I told you to get off of me, to stop, that I didn’t want to do this. I felt tears coming on and thought to myself that I was about to be the next statistic, that I had done this to myself by not saying no. I was scared and saying no and you would not get off of me. You were so strong and I was so much weaker than you and I could not get you off of me.
But I did.
You got off of me and I lay there with my heart pounding and in a cold sweat. You, cavalier as ever, buckled your belt and asked if I could drive you home.
And I did. You even kissed me goodbye and promised to call me.
But, of course, you didn’t.
I’m not going to lie; it took me a while to figure out what had happened. I blacked out the bad and scary parts for a long time. That’s why I couldn’t understand why I kept flashing back to that night in the back of my old car,. I couldn’t understand why my stomach churned whenever I thought of you or why remembering your hands on my body made me want to simultaneously cry and throw up.
It took me a little over a year to figure out exactly what happened. I never went to therapy and I never told my family. I figured it out on my own. What you did wasn’t right. To you, the absence of “no” meant “yes.” You couldn’t feel me flailing under you or my heart pounding in my throat. You ignored me saying “no” and just did what you wanted. You almost assaulted me.
Since figuring out what happened, I’ve struggled with blaming myself. I like to think of myself as the kind of person who would never victim-blame; but I often wonder if I brought it on myself, if it was my fault. After all, I was the one who let you crawl on top of me and only changed my mind after you had started unbuttoning my shorts.
I struggle with telling people about this, and only a select few know. I don’t want to become the girl who cried wolf; after all, you’re an athletic star with a future in the Marines. I didn’t want to destroy your future. I didn’t want to be that girl.
Ever since figuring out what happened, I have a few things I’d like to say to you. I just want to know…why? Why did you pick me? Was it because I was vulnerable, because I was silly enough to invite a cute guy I had just met into the backseat of my car? Was it because I told you of my messy breakup, and you saw me as easy prey?
I may never get answers to these questions. I may never know why you chose me, but I do know something: you will not break me. You were my almost assaulter. You almost hurt me but something changed your mind. You were my almost downfall, my almost life ruiner. You almost broke me.
But you didn’t.
I may never get control of that situation or fully comprehend what happened or why it did. But I do know one thing: you will never affect my life again. You will never know anything about my life. I finally blocked your account on Facebook and your number in my phone. You thought you could control me and how I felt about that night.
But you can’t.
Sincerely,
Your Almost Victim