Getting sick while you’re still living at home is no big deal — you take the day off from school, spend the day in your bathrobe and munch on saltines while binging something good on Netflix. It sucks for sure, but at least there’s someone taking care of you or checking in to make sure you aren’t dead. Getting sick in college is another thing entirely — there’s no one home to take care of you and if you want saltines or ginger ale you have to drag your sick self out of bed to the nearest grocery store. Here’s the eight stages of getting sick in college, for those of you who have yet to experience it:
Stage One: Incubation
The freshman plague has been going around your dorm or your classes, but luckily you’ve been staying far away from those infected and washing your hands 12 times an hour. You think you’re safe, but little do you know the plague is going to make you its next victim.
Stage Two: Infection
You’ve been trying as hard as you possibly can to stay healthy, but you wake up one morning feeling like death with a little tickle in your throat. You frantically drink as much orange juice as you can and buy a medical mask to try and ward it off, but it’s too late.
Stage Three: Denial
“There’s no way I can be sick! I haven’t gotten sick in year, my immune system is a steel trap!” you cry as you’re blowing your nose and taking your temperature every five seconds. You tell yourself it’s just allergies, that sleeping it off will make it go away, but there’s no lying to yourself now: you’re sick as a dog.
Stage Four: Helplessness
You spend your first day in bed surrounded by tissues and empty cracker boxes, feeling like the grim reaper and wanting your mom more than anything. You debate calling her and asking her to drive to your dorm to bring you tea and help you feel better, but you think that might be asking a little much.
Stage Five: FOMO
You know that going out isn’t in the books this weekend, but you still watch your roommate/friends getting ready and debate risking getting sicker to get out of your bed for a little. You check Snapchat while watching your 10th movie that day, and see your friends having the times of their lives at whatever frat threw down that night; and somehow manage to feel even more miserable than you already did.
Stage Six: Death (sort of)
You didn’t think it was possible, but you wake up the next morning feeling even worse than you did the previous day. You spend the day drinking tea and lying in your bed, thinking about all the times you took feeling well for granted. You plead with whatever higher power you believe got you sick that you would never eat pizza again if you could just breathe through your nose again and be able to move without feeling like you were going to hurl.
Stage Seven: Revival
After some long days of feeling like you were going to die, you wake up one day feeling a little more human; just in time, too, since your rations of tea and crackers were getting dangerously low. You try doing something other than hugging your tissue box and sleeping, and you feel better as the day goes on.
Stage Eight: Relief
You did it: you beat the freshman plague! You wish bad karma and dropped Chipotle bowls on whoever got you sick, but you beat it and you’re a stronger person (immune-system wise) because of it. You’re on top of the world now that you feel like yourself again, until you remember all the homework you have to catch up on from your sick days…oops.