To be honest, I’m scared. I’m worried about a number of things, including my own mortality, but that’s normal.
I’ve been in college for three years, and I’m no closer to figuring out who I am than I was when I first started. I’m in my twenties and there is this looming pressure to have my life together by the time I graduate but I have so many questions, many of which have yet to be asked, and many of which I’m scared of the answers. But here I am, going through the motions of every single day, hoping that the pieces will finally fit together: overcoming childhood traumas that have negatively impacted my self-esteem, dysmorphia, breaking out of unhealthy coping mechanisms that have put a damper on my social life, being successful, falling in love, the whole shebang.
But, this sounds like a whole lot of self-deprecation, and it is. I’m trying to stop, but it’s hard. Despite everything that I say about myself, I am constantly seeking validation: every time some older adult asks me “do you have a boyfriend,” I want to yell that no man or woman has ever looked at me in a way that would ever be considered romantic (I’ve had run-ins with former male friends who were lusting after me, been catcalled and the like, and it’s not flattering, it’s disrespectful) and despite being on Tinder for less than a year and eventually deleting the app altogether, I’ve given up hope in finding someone who isn’t only interested in having sex and texts with the reading comprehension and emotional competence of an eighth-grader. But my constant answer is that I “don’t need one of those” and they continue to laud me for being so committed to my education (yippee).
So I crave validation. Validation that I’m doing enough, being enough, am enough, loved enough, smart enough, &c. I have friends, but I guess I’m not visible enough to be remembered, considered, or invited to things. So while I say it’s cool, the FOMO is real. And I recognize that I have character flaws, but I just want someone to sit me down and tell me what they are. Of course I’ll be scared, maybe even cry, but I feel it’s one of the integral steps in improving myself.
I’m trying to learn how to be alone without being lonely, and it’s a process. It didn’t help that I picked a lonely major, either. I love English, but it’s extremely cerebral and you can’t just work together on ideas to reach a common goal, like math or science. But I’ve been alone so much that when I do hang out with people, I feel burdensome, like I’m tolerated but not liked. I’m resisting the urge to invalidate all of this right now, but leaving it all out has made my heart lighter.
I went through all of this to say that it’s okay to reinvent yourself. I’m going to do it over the summer (I have big plans for myself). Reinvention is really what you make it: style, life, personality, etc. It’s also okay if you haven’t had any kind of romantic relationship either. It sucks, yes, but ultimately the stars will align in your favor that you’ll meet the right people at the right time and life will be as fulfilling as you want it to be. In the end, one day you’ll be face to face with whatever saw fit to let you exist in the universe and you’ll have to justify the space you’ve filled. Make it your own.
This year has been a lot. And I’m sure I’ll have these jitters again next year, but I hope I do a lot more growing between now and then.