My last few days of my undergraduate degree were last week, and the feeling I have is bittersweet, but it also doesn’t feel like it’s happening at all. I still think I will return next fall, but no, I won’t. It creates fear in me but also a sense of fulfillment.
Reflecting on my last four years of university has been a blur, to say the least. Having my first 2½ years of university online was a struggle, mainly because I did not meet any friends and felt isolated behind a screen.
I wanted to drop out after my first semester because I thought I couldn’t do online school. I felt like I was missing the traditional first-year experience of university. I had missed Frosh week, Clubs’ day, and meeting new people. Plus, hating my classes made it easy to drop out. Those first two years made me want to give up, but I clung to whatever sense of hope I had left that it would be worth it.
Instead, I compromised. I went to school part-time, changed majors, and felt more at ease and happier. I’m still isolated but a bit happier, and I see that as a win in my book.
During my first year of undergrad, I majored in environmental science. I hated my major and quickly discovered that it wasn’t something I wanted to do later in life. I did not see myself in that career I was so passionate about in grade 12.
The second year was better. I picked classes I enjoyed attending (again virtually). I got good grades and boosted my overall GPA. I was proud of myself. And the thought of giving up quickly vanished. I managed my time well and created a calendar and mind maps for studying.
Third year, things got more exciting. I was finally on campus for classes. I still remember walking around campus; the feeling of being on campus was so big for a little girl like me. I walked into my first class and made new friends instantly. Little did I know they’d become my best friends now. I felt like I finally belonged at university.
The third year is when I finally joined clubs at my university. I joined the HC Chapter that winter. I wanted a hobby, a creative outlet, and to inspire people. I stepped out of my comfort zone, and it was worth it. I had everything that first-year Maddy had wanted.
The fourth year came around, and reflecting on my last year at university, it is clear I had (and still have) senioritis. My motivation towards my academic life decreased while my job schedule intensified. I had no motivation to attend school and little interest in participating in class, mainly because I was at the finish line. However, when I think about it, it feels like I’ve only been in school for 2 years. For me, online school didn’t count.
I didn’t indulge my unmotivated self which consumed me daily. What I did do was tell myself to be proud of how far I’ve come academically, remember who I am as an individual, and look back on myself through my first year.
Now that my undergrad degree is approaching its end, I still don’t know what I want to do “later on in life,” and that feeling haunts me. I want to travel the world and see things like the West Coast of Canada. I don’t know what “my purpose”is yet, but I know I will find my way just like I did at the university.
Graduation scares me a little bit, mainly because the reality of “finishing my undergrad” will sink in. Walking across that stage will be the final hurrah of my undergrad. I am scared to see what the next chapter will be, but I am also very excited to uncover a new version of myself.
I hope that in five years, I will remember these times and use them as a time of light in the darkness.
I don’t know where I’ll end up, but I know I will be happy.