For as long as I can remember, my first celebrity crush was Harry Styles. During the 1D days, I admired all the boys in their own special way. However, there was something about Harry that captivated me into thinking that I could find someone just like him. From his long hair to his countless tattoos, I dreamed of my future husband being just like Mr. Styles himself.
Like every fan-girl, all of us have our own fantasies and realities. Though most don’t come true, some of us do experience what it’s like to be judged and stigmatized. In middle school, I used to get ready for school super early as a way to dress my best, but I would never do it for myself. Like how Cassie fixed herself up for Nate in Euphoria, I was copying this same routine everyday in hopes of gaining a compliment from a guy. At this time in my life, I was insecure about my acne, height, and being viewed as a “nerd”. All of my insecurities led me to doing some things that I now deeply regret. The old me thought that scoring a hot boyfriend would make all of my problems go away and I would feel more secure about myself. Boy, was I wrong.
Entering high school, the process of gaining male attention stayed constant. My whole mind revolved around boys and I was desperate to get a boyfriend. However, many of the times that I would do my little tactics, it didn’t work out. Some guys would call me out for having small boobs and being too tall for them. Others would say that they didn’t want me, because I wasn’t their type. These comments made me feel even more insecure about myself, but instead of moving past it, I kept trying harder. Funny enough, I did date two people during my time in high school.
These relationships that I had opened up my eyes to everything that I was doing wrong. First, I was too consumed with how males were portrayed within the mass media. Because of this, I thought the representation would live out in real life. Although not all of the guys I went to high school were terrible, some were downright disrespectful and made sexist comments. Second, I should’ve stopped dressing to appeal towards males and started dressing for myself. Because I was so fixated on the desire of male attention, I entered into a period of lacking self-worth and self-esteem.
Growing up, I was exposed to a lot of depictions when it came to how women in society were mistreated. From news outlets to social media, women are viewed as “weak”, “housewives”, and “objects”. Even in the porn industry, women are depicted as sex toys for the fulfillment of men. Many of these things never came to cross my mind until later on. Now that I’m older, I can say that what I did for male attention wasn’t going to get me anywhere.
As a female, I have been met with sexism from those who have little to no knowledge on misogyny and how it still badly affects women in today’s society. As a black female, I have been met with racism from those who don’t have it in their hearts to treat those the way they want to be treated. During my 20 years on this planet so far, I have experienced and witnessed the many things that my parents warned me about. It’s a shame that women are still constantly judged for the way they look and are viewed as sexual objects for men. Old me wouldn’t have acknowledged this, because I was validating myself towards the male gaze. Was it out of fear of loneliness? Yes. Was it out of peer pressure? Yes. But, was I willing to get someone who didn’t know how to treat a woman? No.
If every guy was like Harry Styles, I would kindly say that the world would be a better place. But, not everyone is made out to be what they seem. My obsession with male attention taught me that I shouldn’t have to change as a way to meet someone’s expectations. If anything, I should’ve been more kinder and caring about myself. I should’ve waited on finding the right guy. I should’ve paid more attention to how cruel some guys can be. Not all guys are terrible. There will be some nice ones and there will be some mean ones. But, forcing yourself to appeal to the male gaze shouldn’t be the option of living your life. As I always tell myself and those close to me, you have to know what is going to be right for you.
There’s a saying that you need to love yourself before you can love anyone else. Loving yourself and accepting yourself needs to be your top priority. If I could go back in time and tell 13 year old Makalah this, I feel like she would be a wiser girl.