Dating apps are a thing I have no experience with. What can I say? I’m an ancient relic of the pre-social-media age who just never saw online dating as a feasible way of connecting with people. I like to shake my fist at children on my lawn and keep to myself. However, a few days ago, I was encouraged to try my hand at Tinder, so I thought I’d give it the old college try and share my experiences with everyone. Spoiler Alert! I wasn’t ready!
First of all, Tinder is wild. Like Six Shooter, rob an old saloon, Wild Wild West type of wild. There was a level of buffoonery that surprised even me, a resident buffoon and engager in regular tomfoolery.
Let me first preface the Tinder antics by mentioning that it took me quite a bit of time to figure out the logistics and the controls of the app. When I first signed up, I was confused to see the intro screen with the little flame. I thought to myself, “What is this little flame and why is it rippling out to the screen? Why can’t I tap it? I don’t know nothing about these newfangled technologies you whippersnappers use!”
Once beyond that, I then moved on to the bio section and immediately panicked. I asked everyone around me “What is there about me to say?” I called on dating app veterans and they delivered! After my photos were selected and a request for Dad Jokes was made in my bio, it was time to get swiping. What could go wrong, right? Second Spoiler Alert: Everything.
Having yet to acquire my Tinder sealegs, I immediately accidentally Super Liked an unappealing gentleman whose education was listed as “Deez Nuts” and occupation listed as “Keeping It Real.” Learning that I couldn’t unSuper Like someone, I shed a tear for my poor wasted Super Like and pressed onward.
I swiped left a few times and then to the right once more only to get my first match. I became very nervous and pleasantly surprised all at once. He was a handsome guy with a nice smile who messaged me before I had the chance to think of something to say first. Within two messages however, he said that he couldn’t begin to describe the love he had for women like me. Confused, I asked what he meant by “women like me?” He went on to say, and I quote, “I’m really into BDSM, and one of my kinks is women like you that can use their gorgeous feet in a dominant way.”
It was at that moment that I realized it was time to go. I was too befuddled to ask all of the pressing questions on my mind. “Sir, how do you know what my feet look like? How did this come up? Why is this your second message?” It didn’t matter, I let it go and went to sleep.
So that was it. I used the app for a few more days afterwards to get more of a handle on it and was met with more Wild Wild Westian shenanigans. But that’s a story for another day.