It has taken me a while to even begin to feel positive about my looks. I always seemed to feel myself “hiding” behind baggy pants and oversized dark shirts, trying to be invisible. Or, I would stay wearing my too-small clothes trying to convince myself that I haven’t changed a bit. It’s different now. I wear bright colors and flowy shirts with my makeup done to (my) perfection. I think I have finally felt that I want to be seen. Sadly, I wasn’t always like this.
From a young age, I had always felt uncomfortable in my skin. Some of that insecurity was because of my bad acne and crooked teeth, but I never gave it much thought. When I reached middle school, I was asked why I wore my uniform skirt over my belly button because it was “weird.” That’s when it opened my eyes about how the world perceived me. People did base their opinions of me by how I looked. I thought that being at a Catholic school, I wouldn’t have to worry about it.
When I reached high school, I really felt people judging me because of how I looked. I was always afraid that people were looking at me, not because of my make-up or my hair, but because I was the weird “fat” girl that sat in the back of the class. I was shy and didn’t talk much, so that didn’t add well to their observations. I wanted to be invisible, but felt like it was impossible due to my size. If I stayed quiet, then maybe nobody would notice me.
Still to this day, two semesters away from getting my BA, I am not thin. It’s been ten years since the start of middle school, three since high school graduation, and I am still me. I am better, though, because I have realized that that is who those girls are. I am plus-sized and they are thin. I really found acceptance about a year ago when I stumbled upon Tess Holliday, the plus sized-sized model, and the #effyourbeautystandards following. The whole following is something that I am behind 100 percent. The movement explains that your size, whether a 00 or 22, should not change the way people think about you. Live the way you want and do not let the media get to your head. No one should be the judge of how you look, except yourself.
Even though I have begun to love myself how I am, I still go through days where nothing fits right. I’ve realized everyone as days like this and it’s normal. I still get apprehensive when I’m about to move into a new dorm. My first thoughts when moving to a new dorm with three other girls is wondering what they think about my size. I shouldn’t have to worry about that, no one should.
I am still learning to love myself how I am, and that’s ok. I feel embarrassed shopping in a plus-sized section, even if the clothes are cute. I find myself comparing myself to other girls that happen to sit next to me or even walk by me for a brief second. Whenever I eat, I feel others judging me, especially when I eat in the Nautilus Market and go back for another plate to eat. Even if I only had a sandwich on the plate and others are getting their seconds, too, I feel like they’re just judging me. I would have a few days where I wouldn’t care, but it never lasted very long. I look into the mirror, still apprehensive of what I will find, but I do it. Then I smile and I feel better.
It’s a learning process to accept yourself fully and love yourself no matter what you think your flaws are. I will make it there, just like everyone else.