9 Ways to Avoid the Thanksgiving Roast

Thanksgiving is a lovely American holiday, despite its history, when families gather to stuff their faces full of fried, baked, pickled, broiled, sugared, grilled, and homemade goodness. But when I say “Thanksgiving roast,” I don’t mean the pork. I mean you.

If you’re excited to go home, then you must have forgotten that upon entrance to the dining room, you willingly surrender any dignity and privacy that college has not already stripped from you. You are about to enter the Oven of Familial Judgment, my friend, and it isn’t pretty.

It may seem inevitable that you despise your family by the end of the weekend but fear not! Your fate lies in your own hands. If you can’t handle the heat of questions like, “What are you doing with your life?” and “Why are you still single?” then you can avoid the Thanksgiving Roast altogether by following these guidelines:

1. Don’t go home at all.

It’s simple, stay at school. If you don’t want to upset your mom, utilize excuses like “so much homework” and “volunteer opportunities” or even “lack of sufficient funds.”

2. Distract from any and all political commentary.

Topic of abortion arises? Say, “These deviled eggs are incredible!” Someone mentions Donald Trump’s Wall? “Did you say ‘FOOTBALL’?”

3. Hide out.

I find the best method of avoidance is to hide in the bathroom. No one will bother you if they think you have the Holiday Shits.

4. Take refuge with your siblings and favorite cousins.

No one understands your crazy family like your crazy family does. So what if Cousin Nikki cut your hair in your sleep? She never told anyone where your best hide-and-seek spot was and that’s worth something.

5. Drink.

Drink all of your sorrows away.

6. Dish it right back.

They’ll never expect a bitter comeback. When Aunt Helen asks what you think you’re going to do with a philosophy degree, ask her what she plans to do about her deteriorating marriage.

7. Divert the criticism.

There’s bound to be another fuck-up in the family. Sure, you’ve failed a few college courses but Cousin Eddie blew his inheritance on blow, so…

8. Tell the honest truth.

When grandma says, “Honey, do you really need another biscuit?” Tell her the truth! Say, “Listen, Mimi, I haven’t eaten a square meal in three months.” Then shove the whole biscuit in your mouth at once for dramatic effect.

9. Sit back and enjoy.

Prepare yourself for the horror of family gatherings, harden your heart, and just laugh it all off.

In all seriousness, try to be understanding with your family. They feel invested in your future and, although that can be a lot of pressure, you should take comfort in the fact that they care. Enjoy your time with them. As grandma says, “You never know when your grandpa’s gonna croak.”

Happy Thanksgiving to all! Stay thankful!

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