The Esports Conspiracy

I don't understand Esports at all, and to the dismay of many, I'm not sure I'd want to understand. But, I love conspiracy theories! And since I always seem to be roped into a coversation about Esports, I thought it was time for the REAL crossover event of the century. Please enjoy the following completely real conspiracy theory about the phenomenon known as Esports.

  1. 1. It Doesn't Exist

    people sitting in chairs and taking notes

    Sure there are teams popping up all over college campuses (your university may even have an official department!), and competitions all over the world, but it doesn't actually exist like you think it does. Everyone involved is actually a paid actor doing the bidding of the CIA. But why?

  2. 2. You're Being Distracted

    There is some crazy stuff going on in our country, and everywhere else. Did you hear about Earth getting a new moon? Probably not, because you're probably thinking about beating "Kyle Giersdorf" in the next big Fortnite competition.

  3. 3. You're Being Controlled

    Woman looking into microscope

    Ever wonder where Esports fans get their passion? It's no accident that members of this community have the intensity of the sun. They're under constant surveillance with all of the screens in their lives. 

  4. 4. It's Part of a Re-Education Process

    classrooom and students with a projector

    This whole craziness happened out of nowhere. Overnight there were legions of obsessed fans and countless complicated games. Contrary to our confusion, this has been a planned and coordinated effort. People have been training for years, sometimes even decades to get the full effect that we're seeing today.

  5. 5. It's Built to Addict You

    black and white hands counting coins

    If you talk to anyone involved in Esports, it doesn't take long to see how much they love it. It is their life, their love, the passion of their lives. If you start playing Esports, you may as well just start smoking too and really maximize those addictive chemicals.

  6. 6. It's A Cult

    woman in a gray sweater taking notes on white paper

    Esports fans are dedicated. There is no denying that they're passionate. Indescribably passionate. They all have the same look in their eye talking about Overwatch, League of Legends, and Rocket League. And the same words always seem to come out of their mouth. Kind of suspicious. Bring your own drinks if you attend a LAN. 

A wise-ish man once said, "Esports will usurp any activity in its way". And we're apparently just letting it happen y'all.