By Lexi Lepold
Five years ago, I stumbled across an interview with Billie Eilish on YouTube courtesy of Vanity Fair. It was a random watch and one I enjoyed, and would continue to enjoy years later as it would become an annual interview focused on growth and self-reflection in the artist’s ever-growing music career. However, as I watched this year’s video, I couldn’t help but feel connected to her in a way I hadn’t in years prior. Turning twenty this past March was a very strange feeling and one that I am sure Billie could relate to, as we happen to be the same age. You can never be fully prepared for leaving the teenage years and entering the legendary 20s. I experienced a lot of personal growth and watching Billie reflect on the five versions of her past self made me, not only reflect on my own but realize the lesson hidden deep within this series of interviews: the importance of self-reflection over time.
I will admit, I am not a die-hard Billie Eilish fan. I thoroughly enjoyed her first album, as it was my transition into more creative styles of music. It was the first disc I bought for the record player that I purchased from Urban Outfitters – maybe not the best choice of a first, but wow, that memory brings up some 2017 nostalgia. Her music after that, on the other hand, I wasn’t as much of a fan. All of that aside, I appreciate her as a person that encompasses independence and uniqueness, which is why I was drawn to the first version of this iconic interview in the first place.
Changes in hairstyles, interests, choice of language, and attitude are all differences that can be easily noticed in the most recent video. Unlike Billie, the average person doesn’t have professionally recorded footage of them over the last six years discussing matters in their personal life and career. We do, however, have the power of memory – and I am sure some photos, journal entries, and Snapchat videos that will do the trick. As I scrolled through my own camera roll, I couldn’t help but feel for the photo of me from this past January when I had little knowledge that I would experience one of the hardest parts of my life, and college experience, in two short months. I feel for the girl two years ago who was living through her first year of college, in a completely different university than she is now, in the midst of covid. Most importantly, I feel for the girl, the younger version of myself that listened in awe to the first stages of Billie Eilish, whose idea of the future was drastically different than my current present.
It’s a bittersweet feeling that self-reflection generates. It creates a lump in my throat while simultaneously forming a smile across my face. It can be hard, transporting yourself back to moments you may not want to remember, or that most definitely make you cringe, but it’s important, meaningful, and transformative.
In the most recent interview of the series, Billie seemed so much more mature and grounded. She was able to laugh, to admire, to feel for the younger versions of herself that appeared on the screen in front of her. Some things didn’t change, like her love for burritos. Yet, others did greatly, like her accumulation of over 159 million Instagram followers since the original interview. Fame can change a person tremendously, but the events of an average life can do just the same.
At the end of this year’s interview, Vanity Fair included a clip of Billie hugging her Mom, as in all the previous videos as well. Each time prior, she said “I love you” to her daughter and wrapped her tightly in a hug, who despite her fame is still simply her child. It was a moment shortly after, however, that pulled at my heartstrings more than all the others. For the first time in this series, her Mom began to cry as she explained how hard it was to watch the past versions of Billie. She said, “I miss all the [you’s]…and all the stuff that you make fun of about yourself was special and funny and brave and charming and weird.”
Billie’s Mom is right. We can be harsh on ourselves, our present selves, and our past selves. However, there is also a lot we can learn from reflecting on our past and who we once were in order to appreciate the growth that is a natural part of the human experience. It’s also a reminder, and one that I know I need to hear quite often, that things do change. Some things we don’t want to change, and some things we really want to move past, but despite how much we try we have no control. I wasn’t ready to turn twenty just yet, but now I am closer to twenty-one and there’s nothing I can do to stop or rewind time other than appreciate it.
I did cry a few times while writing this little snippet for a fun little club during my junior year of college. I know though, that in a few short months, I won’t be exactly who I am right now typing on my keyboard. I will be older, wiser, hopefully happier, but still simply me.
*Edited by Ella F