By: Maddie Mallon
October is Domestic Violence Awareness Month. When people think of domestic violence, they often think of gruesome images of physical violence and ongoing physical abuse. However, abuse is not always physical. Domestic violence is defined by the United States Justice Department as “a pattern of abusive behavior in any relationship that is used by one partner to gain or maintain power and control over another intimate partner.” As someone who spent her teenage years in an extremely emotionally abusive relationship, I, unfortunately, have had first-hand experience dealing with this.
I didn’t realize just how bad my high school relationship was until I got out of it, and even then I didn’t realize at one particular moment. I spent the year after my relationship ended healing, getting to know myself, and remembering. When I came to UVM and found myself in a healthy relationship for the first time was when I fully grasped just how much abuse I suffered through. I thought I had done my healing, but the second phase of healing came when I realized how traumatized I still was.
From the ages of 15 to 17, the identity that I had formed was stripped away from me. I was gaslighted into believing I was crazy, stupid, and controlling anytime I asked for respect or kindness. You shouldn’t have to beg your partner to treat you like a person.
For me, the most difficult part of healing and remembering, was that I blamed myself. I never blamed myself for my ex’s actions, but instead for not recognizing how badly I was being treated, for not leaving sooner, and for putting up with it.
My therapist always tells me: watch the way you speak to yourself. This isn’t some new concept that he made up. After all, I remember always being told to treat myself the way I’d treat my friends. I would never blame a friend for being in an abusive relationship, past or present. This little phrase has helped me shift my mindset from guilt to pride. I’m proud of the growth that I’ve accomplished, of my strength, and of the person, I’ve become.
With Love,
Maddie