The Weirdly Named Horses of the 2019 Kentucky Derby

Ah, the Kentucky Derby: big hats, legal gambling, tiny men, and poorly named horses. This year, there was lots of ~tea~ surrounding last week’s accidental winner, Country House. TLDR: Maximum Security (yes, that’s what someone named their pet) crossed the finish line first, but due to a bizarre foul (don’t ask me to explain it, I was never a Horse Girl ™ and I know nothing), Maximum Security actually lost and Country House won. Honestly, I don’t really care who won because I’m too focused on these names. Just take a look at these horse names.

 

1st place: Country House

 

2nd place: Code of Honor

(I feel like this horse wears its UGuides sweatshirt everyday)

 

3rd place: Tacitus

 

4th place: Improbable

????

 

5th place: Game Winner

Sad, because they obviously did not win

 

6th place: Master Fencer

 

7th place: War of Will

 

8th place: Plus Que Parfait

 

9th place: Win Win Win

Truly tragic, because 9th place is definitely not not not winning

 

10th place: Cutting Humor

 

11th place: By My Standards

 

12th place: Vekoma

 

13th place: Bodexpress

 

14th place: Tax

 

15th place: Roadster

 

16th place: Long Range Toddy

Sounds alcoholic? Is the jockey okay?

 

17th place: Maximum Security

He technically came in first but got disqualified. I’m not really sure the logic behind 17th place, but ok

 

18th place: Spinoff

 

19th place: Gray Magician

 

Here are some names my roommates and I came up with for future racehorse names. Take note, Kentucky. We’ve got good ideas.

  • Mastering Astronomy
  • Bleeper
  • Citronella
  • Bug on the Wall
  • Lose Lose Lose
  • Cutoff Jeans
  • Cheryl
  • Bodak Yellow
  • Cankle Biter
  • HuzzBuhhBuhh (only UVA band kids will relate)
  • Darth Bananas
  • Bed, Bath, and Beyond
  • Tax Evasion
  • Big Mac and Small Fry
  • Lipstick
  • Donkey Teeth
  • Hot Breath
  • Handel’s Messiah
  • Industrialized Prison Complex
  • Ms. Kathy
  • Mount St. Helens
  • Sweat Licker
  • My Mom’s Missing Toes
  • Becky with the Good Mane
  • Roomba
  • Chem 402
  • Patrick D. Hogan, Executive Vice President and Chief Operating Officer

 

[All pictures from kentuckyderby.com]