You know you love them.
First off, the relevant characters:
Chuck Bass: Eddy’s Tavern
Chuck Bass is one of those people who you aren’t sure about in the beginning of the series. Similar to Eddy’s (someone please explain what a “Poet’s Tavern” is), you come to see it as just another one of the characters without whom the show and the Corner would not be complete. Eddy’s, similar to Chuck, has its moments of wild debauchery; just stop by on Friday night for rails and see what I’m talking about. Eddy’s is also reminiscent of the legacy of Edgar Allen Poe in UVA’s history, just as Chuck’s status is derived completely from his father’s company, Bass Industries.
Nate Archibald: Boylan Heights
One of the easiest ones to pinpoint, Boylan Heights is the physical embodiment of everything that Nate Archibald values: a dedication to athletic endeavors (remember that Vanderbilt family football tournament, or the fact that he plays lacrosse at Columbia University), a prep-school vibe complete with loose ties, button-downs, and alcohol.
Dan Humphrey: Coupe’s
Dan likes to think he’s so above it. Coupe’s also likes to think itself as being so above its sister restaurant, Trinity. Hence why these restaurants fit Dan and Jenny so perfectly. If Dan fooled you with that whole “Lonely Boy” persona, you’re just like the rest of us: initially uninformed but eventually enlightened. While Dan does send out much chiller vibes compared to the other characters, at the end of the day he is extremely similar. The same goes for Coupe’s, whose chill vibes and outdoor patio in warmer weather give it the appearance of being one of the more low-key spots on the Corner, but in the bleak midwinter it becomes a scene. Dan also has an artsy side to him, which Coupe’s matches with its model of the Rotunda, which you can find above the back booth to the left when you walk in, also pictured below. It truly is a masterpiece. Still, Dan has a solid group of people who stick by him: namely Rufus, Jenny, and Vanessa, just as Coupe’s has a pretty steady crowd of people who prefer it to other places on the Corner.
Blair Waldorf: Kuma
Blair, the undisputed Queen of the Constance Billard School for girls, would not settle for just any restaurant on the Corner to epitomize. While Kuma is not as obnoxious or type A as the Queen B herself, it at least gives off the impression of being a little bit classier than the other establishments on the Corner. That being said, Kuma can turn into a scene pretty quickly (Cue bad karaoke and saki-bombs), similar to how Blair chooses to have a few big nights out herself.
Serena van der Woodsen: Rapture
Being on the Downtown Mall (as opposed to the Corner), Rapture initially gives off the impression of a more mature, tame establishment, similar to the other family-friendly and more put-together places that surround it. By night, though, Rapture completely reverses that impression. Similar to how Serena is initially introduced under a cloak of mystery (Why did she go away? Why is Dan obsessed with her?), you eventually learn that she, too, has her whole past behind her, along with many more moments of uncontrolled partying. Don’t let her put-together exterior and surroundings fool you, she is just another wild, New York City teenager trying to live a very average life in the city (She was 20 when filming started and the characters regularly rent out clubs and bars. #JustHighSchoolThings).
Everyone else:
Jenny Humphrey: Trinity
Ah, Jenny Humphrey, the one we will never understand, but which we need if not just for a little entertainment and drama. Combined with her intentionally ripped clothing and heavy make-up, Jenny is the Trinity of the Gossip Girl cast. We love to hate Jenny, but we always find ourselves wanting to know what Jenny Humphrey is doing on Thursday night, and whether or not it involves the aggressive playing of Baby Bash’s “Suga Suga.”
Vanessa Abrams: Crozet
Vanessa is so hipster but also so mainstream. While she has her moments, similar to how Crozet has its nights of being THE place to be, or THE person to talk to, in Vanessa’s case, she and Crozet are both mainstays in their respective environments. While they both have their moments, they both are relatively neutral, or at least not important ENOUGH to worry about.
Still love you though, Crozet.
Erik van der Woodsen: St. Maarten Café
Sorry, St. Maarten, but I don’t really know anything about you, nor are you a pivotal part of my life as a UVA student. Similar to Erik and his lack of contribution to the Gossip Girl plotline, you are irrelevant to my overarching UVA experience. I keep holding on to hope that you will make an impact, similar again to the screen time Erik wasted which could’ve been clips of Nate playing lacrosse, but you never seem to.
Georgina Sparks: The Virginian
Georgina goes from zero to one hundred real quick. From being Serena’s best friend, to being Serena’s worst enemy, and from being a wild partier (remember when her and Serena killed a man?) to a comparatively responsible mother, Georgina transforms herself quickly and fully. Just like the Virginian, whose Sunday brunch shows no signs of the dancing on tables that occurred just ten hours earlier, Georgina’s character transforms easily and always provides a steady source of entertainment.
Nelly Yuki: Got Dumplings
Blair’s one time-friend turned academic rival, Nelly Yuki is Got Dumplings, the obvious superior to Marco and Luca (sorry, Marco and Luca), because she outsmarts Blair in Blair’s own game, similar to how Got Dumplings outshines Marco and Luca when it comes to the dumpling market. Although Blair’s status is based around her social intimidation, Nelly realizes what’s really important: her academic endeavors. Just like how Got Dumplings capitalizes on the hungry students in classes surrounding the amphitheater, Nelly capitalizes on her own strengths to take down Blair.
Blair’s Minions: Starbucks
One of the only large chain restaurants on the Corner, Blair’s indistinguishable minions fill the role that Starbucks plays on the corner: the ~basic~ place that everyone knows about and goes to, just because they know what to expect. The same goes for Blair’s posse, as they would be nothing if not for their reputation of being Blair’s followers.
Rufus Humphrey: The Biltmore
The Biltmore, similar to Rufus, is the calmer foil to places such as Trinity. While, at its core, it similar to everything else the Corner, it holds itself together a little bit better and definitely has an older vibe to it, at least some of the time. At other times, though, the Biltmore can surprise you, similar to Rufus, and be pretty turnt.
Lily van der Woodsen: Michael’s Bistro and Taphouse
Similar to how you see Lily around in the show and you can tell that she is mature with still a little hint of that teenage-drama that we all went through. If you’ve ever walked by Michael’s, you know that with its second-level terrace, it gives off the appearance of an up-scale establishment, with its only detracting factor from that being that it is above Little John’s and between Trinity and Qdoba.
William van der Woodsen: The 105 Grill & Pub
You’ve never heard of him and you’ve probably never heard of The 105 Grill & Pub. Somewhere on 14th street this restaurant supposedly exists, just like William van der Woodsen supposedly exists. You’ve maybe seen him around only once or twice, and if you do know what The 105 Grill & Pub is, that’s probably because you’ve seen it around once or twice on your walk to, well, anywhere else.
Bart Bass: Para/Grit
The only character who is able to recreate his identity and still have a large role in the show, Bart Bass is most similar to Para/Grit Coffee, because just as Bart was able to make a scene when he “died”, he was also able to create arguably more drama when he reappeared on the show. Also just the whole dying-and-coming-back thing that no one questioned is pretty similar to how everyone dealt with Para’s name change to Grit. We still want to go to Grit/Para/whatever, just like how we still want to keep up with Bart.
Jack Bass: Two Guys Tacos
Both of these things are pretty mysterious. Both of these things give you a little bit of secondhand anxiety due to their less-aesthetically pleasing outsides. Both make you sick to your stomach.
Eleanor Waldorf: Fig
Eleanor Waldorf is always put together and pretty classy if I do say so myself. I mean, the woman is a fictional famous dress designer. Just as Fig is a go-to for fancier dinners with parents or dates, Eleanor Waldorf’s classy, never trashy, designs are always something you can count on. Eleanor is popular because of her work, just as Fig is known for its reputation as being a great place to eat.
Cyrus Rose: The White Spot
Blair’s eventual step-father, Cyrus is a little quirky, but such a great person. Just like the White Spot, Cyrus is friendly to everyone and never holds judgment. I say this because one time the owner of White Spot unlocked the door at 5 am to feed me and two of my hungriest friends, with no questions asked. The world needs more Cyrus Beans, just as the world needs more White Spot, specifically Gus Burgers and Gus himself.
Howie “The Captain” Archibald: Roots
A Roots favorite for many people is El Jefe, a rice bowl with chicken, kale, pita chips, lime sauce, and everything else beautiful on this earth. It only makes sense that Roots goes hand-in-hand with Howie Archibald, who is fittingly the boss (aka English for “Jefe”) of a large hedge fund. Just as Roots rules the far end of the Corner, The Captain his presumably rules his fictional business. If you, like me, think this article is extremely insightful and correct and are asking yourself, “But what about when The Captain goes to jail for multiple counts of fraud?” Well, my answer to you is that the only reason for which Roots would be arrested for fraud would be on the charge of stealing every other restaurant’s business.
Anne Archibald: Little John’s
Just like Anne to her criminal-husband Howie, you always find yourself going back to Little John’s, even when you promise yourself that you need to knick the habit. Similarly to Little John’s, Anne is a pretty neutral character and sometimes you forget about her, similar to how you forget about Little John’s until you wake up the next morning with a mustard stain on your clothes.
William van der Bilt: Pigeon Hole
Pigeon Hole’s description on Google is verbatim “American breakfast & lunch bites served with Bloody Marys in an old wooden house with a front patio.” William van der Bilt being the patriarch of one of the most notable American families fits seamlessly with this description of Pigeon Hole, whereas the description of the building is extremely reminiscent of the old houses that the van der Bilts tear down to build their egregiously large house in the Hamptons.
Trip van der Bilt: Revolutionary Soup
Just like Trip van der Bilt, Revolutionary Soup is an American classic with a spicy twist. Seriously, try their Spicy Chicken Tortilla. Trip is Nate’s equally as handsome cousin, who runs for Congress, but gets into a little/a lot of trouble along the way, bending many political rules and norms.
Russell and Raina Thorpe: Insomnia Cookies
Insomnia Cookies is the newest installment on the Corner, and many of us are eagerly awaiting to see what becomes of the inevitable out competition of either Insomnia Cookies over Campus Cookies, or vice versa. Much like Insomnia Cookies, Russell and his extremely successful daughter Raina came late to the scene and shook things up by looking to buy Bass Industries. While Insomnia is relatively new, I know that I’m definitely looking forward to seeing what kind of #drama Insomnia Cookies stirs up in the near future.
Dorota Kishlovsky: Basil
Dorota is the classy maid/substitute mom-figure to Blair. You can always count on Dorota for her foreign-wisdom, similar to how you can always count on Basil for a foreign-twist on classic foods. You would trust Dorota with raising your hypothetical children, similar to how you would trust Basil with feeding them. That’s a weird comparison, but just go with it.
Vanya: Sakura Sushi & Noodle
Another place which I haven’t been to, Sakura Sushi & Noodle is only vaguely familiar in my mind because it’s right next to Basil. It only makes sense then that Dorota’s husband is the human embodiment of Sakura, because without Basil there would be no Sakura. One might even dare to say that Basil is to Dorota as Sakura is to Vanya. Long live, Vanrota.
Louis Grimaldi: Café Caturra
Louis Grimaldi, in case you have forgotten, is Blair’s one-time boyfriend and heir to the Monaco throne. Louis doesn’t rely on his status to attract someone like Blair, just as Café Caturra does not flaunt its extremely delicious food or atmosphere. It has a fireplace, for Pete’s sake! With its understated classiness and great food to match, Café Caturra is most definitely the counterpart to Louis Grimaldi’s modest character.
Ivy Dickens: Dunkin Donuts
Dunkin Donuts is gone and so is Ivy Dickens. See ya!
Damien Dalgaard: Mellow Mushroom
Damien Dalgaard, while I’ll admit that he doesn’t completely live up to Mellow Mushroom, definitely holds one thing in common: his tendency to be linked with illicit substances. Only for Mellow Mushroom’s name do I say that, and Damien is only linked to that because that is basically his only plotline in the show. Like Mellow’s weekly Trivia Night, Damien keeps us ~guessing~ about what he’s really about behind that druggy-exterior.
Scott Rosson: Arctic Inuit Art
Who? What? Both of these are probably questions you’re asking yourself. Scott Rosson is Rufus and Lily’s secret love child who was relevant for approximately 10 seconds. Similarly, Arctic Inuit Art is supposedly a store on the corner whose sign I always see right before College Inn, but whose physical building I have yet to find. These two shifty beings just seem to go perfectly together.
Kristen Bell: Bodo’s Bagels
Gossip Girl would be nothing without the voice of THE Gossip Girl, Kristen Bell. Just as Bodo’s is a neutral competitor and stable presence on the Corner, Kristen Bell is the one we can always rely on, and the one we could never possibly hate, for her voice has filled us in on all goings-on, just as Bodo’s has filled us with bagels.
Thanks for reading all 2,453 words of this article. I’ll leave you with this photo that almost makes it seem like the entire show is about an organized carpool gone awry: