As the weather becomes warmer and philanthropy season kicks off, the South Lawn and the upper level of Newcomb are becoming more and more crowded with CIOs and other groups trying to get students to donate to a variety of causes. Anything from buying a ticket for a show to donating money is fair game to persuade or gently force someone to do on their walk to class. While I know that deep down we all want to support all of these causes, sometimes we need an excuse to not have to take off our backpacks, find our wallets, and donate $5 on the spot. So, coming from someone who has been on both sides of the tabling experience, here are the best-observed ways to put off that interaction (at least until you walk by again).
1. Show off your sick parkour skills
2. Try to convince them to come to your comedy show instead of theirs
And maybe if you make it funny they’ll give you an extra flyer about next year’s audition times!
3.Dunk
4. Tell them you have a life threatening illness that is only spread through paper
There’s no better way to say “Hey! It’ll be really inconvenient for me to take this piece of paper right now!” than by saying it with paint-covered hands.
6. Flip their table and walk away
If you’re dead-set on not talking to them, this is a good way to get the message across without using your words.
7. Carry a box of bees around with you
Honestly if they still approach you, you should probably just donate.
8. Pretend to be texting someone when we all know that you aren’t
Admit it: we’ve all done it before.
9. Wear mirrors to blind them when you approach
Rule of thumb: if they can’t see you, they can’t approach you.
10. Faint on them
11. Accuse them of trying to rob you
Nothing makes anyone more uncomfortable than being accused of robbing someone in a public space.
12. Suddenly begin asking a lot of questions
13. Walk up to them and spill your coffee on them but insist on continuing your conversation
It’ll be pretty hard for them to continue their conversation when there’s searing hot coffee on their shirt.
14. Perform a citizen’s arrest on them
Best-case scenario: You get to tell people that you once attempted a citizen’s arrest.
15. When they approach you hand them a baby
Now you’re even: you don’t know what you’re going to do with this piece of paper, and they’re at a loss of what to do with this new baby.