Dear Ex-Best Friend,
I hope you’re doing okay. Seriously, that’s not sarcasm. I really hope you are. I think about you a lot and how different things would be if I hadn’t made that stupid mistake our senior year of high school. Or maybe it wasn’t my fault. Maybe it was just all miscommunication between us. Maybe it was bound to happen. Either way, it happened, and I’m sorry. I’m still very sorry that I hurt you, my best friend since kindergarten. I remember we were all excited that we’d still be going to the same college. Now we pass each other on campus and don’t even give each other a second glance.
Honestly, I sometimes wish that you’d forgive me after apologizing 100 times, even if you’ll never text me back. I get it, really, I do. I think about how different things might have been if I hadn’t been a little selfish. If I hadn’t sent that text message. If I didn’t go on that date. If I apologized sooner. At the end of the day, though, I really think you were ready to stop being friends with me.
Why, though? I’ll never understand. We were two peas in a pod, and we literally did everything together. When you were sick and diagnosed with fibrous dysplasia, I was the one that came to sit on the couch with you, helped you with homework, and watch dumb movies with you. When I went through my first major breakup, you came over and made me that cherry cake, and we sat on the floor in the kitchen and cried together. We made superhero costumes and danced it out. I did your hair and makeup so many times that I lost count. I was always there to support you, and I get it, I let you down.
Maybe I started it all when I was depressed and shut everyone out, including you. I didn’t think you’d understand – you were never emotional. Even if we did all this stuff together and had all of these memories, you never connected with me on an emotional level, and believe me, I know I was very over-emotional sometimes. I get it, you felt replaced – maybe friendships between three girls is just never meant to always work out, especially when people start to get jealous of one another.
Maybe we outgrew each other. I know we took different paths – I was looking to have fun and be independent, and you, well, weren’t most of the time. When I and our other friend would do dumb things, it always brought on major criticism from you. I’m not sure why just sitting in a parking lot jamming out to our favorite songs, gossiping and sharing our thoughts and opinions was so bad to you.
I get it. I hurt you in ways that I’ll never be able to repair or take back, and I’ll probably never have a best friend again that was so easy to just sit around and talk about lame stuff with, take random trips to Sonic just because we wanted cheese sticks or lay around the pool all day and just soak up the sun. I think when you grow up with someone, there’s a bond that’s formed that you can’t create with friends you meet later in life. You just can’t. You can’t create the memories from grade school that you made on the playground. You can’t go back and fabricate memories of who was there when your childhood dog died, who was there when you had your first appearance on stage or who was there to eat junk food with you and cry over lame first loves that weren’t worth crying over.
Believe me, most of the time I wish that I could have it all back because I feel like I’ll never get that kind of bond again. I probably won’t. I’ve made wonderful new best friends who are supportive, love me for who I am, pick me up when I’m down and connect with me on an emotional level, but I’ll never get a childhood to look back on with them and laugh about. I guess that’s okay. I’m making new memories without you, I suppose. That’s okay. It will be okay one day, and I won’t cry when I think about everything that happened like I’m crying while writing this letter to you that you’ll probably never even see. After all, you basically unfriended me and blocked me on every ounce of social media, which is fair, I guess. After three years, you’d think it’d be easy to forgive and forget, but I guess not.
If you ever needed me and called me in the middle of the night or texted me out of the blue to meet up, I’d be there immediately. That hasn’t changed. I know you didn’t believe me when I apologized, and you probably wouldn’t believe that after our fall out, I laid on the floor crying all night so hard that I had to miss school to go see my therapist. I know I hurt you, but you should know you hurt me, too, and I’ve forgiven you.
Maybe one day, you’ll forgive me, too.
I know we’d probably never have the same kind of friendship we had – after all, a person can change a lot in three years of not being in each other’s lives. But it’d be nice to share the happy achievements with you and be proud of you and cheer you on when you do great on tests or earn an award. It’d be cool if you’d be there to do the same.
You’re not, though, and that’s okay. Perhaps this was just bound to happen at some point.
Just know I still love you, and I think about you a lot. I hope you’re doing great things in life, succeeding in college and making new friends, since I know you always worried about that. I hope you’re still drawing and being creative.
Most of all, I hope you’re happy.
All of my love,
Your Ex-Best Friend Who is Extremely Sorry