Retail solely exists to destroy the will power to live of the working class. As agents of cheap labor, retail workers, clothes custodians if you will, are slaves to the incompetent and asinine masses. However, no one understands the dark world of customer service as Arthur does. The quaint little aardvark and his cast of mammals relate and sympathize with us in more ways than we ever thought possible.
1. When you wake up for your shift and contemplate death by suffocation:
Nothing demands self-loathing quite like waking up to work for the materialistic and monetary hierarchy. Working for “the man” is a downhill spiral that you can never recover from, and each morning is a reminder of how much you actually hate people and your job.
2. The look you get when someone complains about how expensive a product is:
First of all, you ill-conceived creature of a person, workers have no jurisdiction over the price and we will neither sympathize nor concern ourselves with your inability to afford our products. Do not complain about the expense of clothes because we in turn will complain about your lousy personality.
3. When someone returns clothes that have clearly been washed/worn and you’re listening to their excuse as to why you should honor their return:
Listen here Becky, we are sure that you bought those jeans with the grass stains on them. Of course we believe those shirts came smelling like laundry detergent and fabric softener. The validity of your story is as solid and staunch as our dedication to this fabulous work abomination.
4. Trying to sell something ugly to a customer:
We’ve all done it, trying to sell something obscene to a customer so you can make a great sale. Making numbers at the end of a work day is brutal because the repercussions of not selling results in shame and getting chastised by a higher power, aka the irritated district manager. Retail workers are capable of up selling, and beware because we could sell you a garbage bag as the next designer dress.
5. The face you make when a group of kids walk in and you know dang well they aren’t going to buy anything:
Unbeknownst to the general public, in the enchanted world of retail there is such a thing called “conversion.” In simple terms, a certain amount of transactions are required for a certain amount of people that walk through the door. For example, if 100 people were to come into a store, a 20% conversion, which is not even that good, means twenty transactions must occur. When a group of unfunded youths trot through the door to entail nothing more than an inflated conversion, one could easily understand how workers could be more than a little upset.
6. When you ask for someone’s email and they act like it’s their social security number:
Most retail places require their associates to ask for emails because it is company policy. Many workers understand that it is annoying and tedious, but it is part of company numbers at the end of the day, so alas it must be done. It is tiresome for customers to complain day in and day out why they don’t want to give such secretive information out. Customers do not need to act like we just asked for their first born child. Stop being silly.
8. When that direct deposit hits your account:
Though working in retail obviously does not pay enough, payday is still like Christmas nonetheless. The long angry hours of working minimum wage are almost worth it when you can afford the name brand cereal after pay day. Nothing can bring tears to the eyes quite like checking your bank account after the long awaited two weeks. What a time to be alive.
9. Halfway through signing someone up for loyalty and they say “nevermind”:
Loyalty basically means signing someone up for a rewards card or credit card. Just like emails, it is part of company regime to require to ask and push for rewards program. Statistics have shown that people are more likely to buy frequently from a company if they are involved with their rewards program, so that’s why it is pushed so hard. Do not be indecisive, evasive, or rude when a cashier asks for it. A polite “yes” or “no” will suffice.
10. When the store gets busy but your shift is over:
Do not let the sympathetic eyes fool you. They are actually filled with pity and contempt for the place that inflicts so much contempt in retail workers’ lives. Though most have somewhat of a loyalty to the place that writes the names on their paychecks, there is not enough devotion present to stay. Most will just slowly back out, hoping the place will be in flames and ruins when they come back the next day.
All jokes aside, retail isn’t that horrendous of a place to be employed. But there are certainly attributes that can make a person question their career choices. Luckily, Arthur is here to validate all of our biggest pet peeves.