I was once told that when women date, they’re dating a person and a lifestyle. That when we pick our mates, we’re always considering the thought of, “what would my life be like with them.” That every time we take on the challenge of a new relationship and a new love, that we can’t help but picture white picket fences, and dinners in glamorous city spots with the loves of our lives, and the kinds of futures our spouses/partners can provide.
Maybe this is internalized misogyny, maybe this is a myth, maybe this happens gender-wide, but I can’t deny that it’s made in an appearance in my own life. Though I have always been independent, and have never put a man in the center of my world, I couldn’t help but wonder what 10 years from now might look like with each of my boyfriends. In my first serious relationship, I was sure that I would have adapt to the Carrie Bradshaw, Mr. Big, face-paced, up and down rollercoaster, corporate big-wig kind of life style. Where with my second boyfriend, I had somehow mentally prepared myself to live in an RV, and tack on a nomadic lifestyle.
There, of course, was no guarantee that I would end up with either of them. And part of me always knew that finding the love of my life at the ripe age of 21 was delusional at best. But it still didn’t slow the continuous loop of a rom-com style montage of Saturday mornings in bed with these supposed “soulmates.” But is this really a woman-exclusive phenomenon? Most likely, no. Were the social forces that were unwillingly imposed on me as a little girl partially to blame? Most likely, yes. Since the days of Prince Charmings saving their princesses, part of me, too, dreamed that my modern day Prince Charming would knock on my front door, rescue me from nights of loneliness, and completely turn my life upside down.
Although, love really shouldn’t be a something that changes your life beyond recognition. You can still be a static you, with static beliefs, and values, and life goals, and hopes, and dreams. No one is forcing you to model yourself after your significant other’s own religious beliefs, or career interests, or political views, and in all actuality, succumbing to the needs and wishes of your life partner is actually a very dangerous game. A healthy relationship doesn’t require that your life be turned upside down. Instead, your new significant other can solely be a fun addition to your daily routine. So though you may want to think Boyfriend or Girlfriend #1 will lend to a different lifestyle than Boyfriend or Girlfriend #2, it doesn’t have to be that way.
And when we abandon this mentality of our significant others simply fulfilling our needs for a particular lifestyle, we can love people for who they are, rather than the moments and things they can provide. Sure, marriage and love is just as much a financial decision and a lifestyle choice as it is a feeling or emotion. Yes, it will inevitably come with compromise. And no, we aren’t seventeen anymore, and can’t blindly jump into a relationship without at least considering the factors of family, and religion, and politics, and financial portfolios. But, true love, real love, and functional love, doesn’t demand that you shed your identity, and slip on a new one. Sadly, however, women have been tricked into believing that they must base their identity on their relationship status, so we willing to forfeit our sense of individuality in the name in love. It’s no wonder then why we fantasize about how a man will change our lives, when our identities depend on it. But what we need to realize is that we have all the power to change our own fates. Turn your own life upside down ladies, and stop waiting for Mr. Right to dictate your future. And most importantly, realize there doesn’t always have to be a “big picture” with someone. You can simply enjoy the pure, condition-less fun of falling in love.