Many of us can agree that having regular sex with the person we love is one of the greatest perks of “being off the market.” Relationships provide a safe space to explore your partner’s body and have the best, and most intimate sex, of your life—sex you simply couldn’t have with “Dave from the bar.” However, as we form long-term, committed relationships, sex has the potential to lose the spark it once had. What at first was the intense fiery passion of a fresh relationship, eventually transforms into that comfortable, settled “married couple” sort of love. While that process of getting to know your partner completely and falling into that “comfortable” place can be a beautiful thing, it can sometimes lead to the unwanted routinization of your sex life (which is something that should never follow a routine).
Relationships that started with the innocent kiss at the doorstep, advanced to passionate make-outs, and lead to playful foreplay, seem to settle into an expected sexual pattern. Once we climb the sexual ladder and finally reach the top (sex), we seem to view those flirtatious make-outs as stepping down the ladder. It’s as if we’ve been trained to believe that long-term couples couldn’t possibly make-out during a movie, without it leading to sex. Are we, as people involved in serious relationships, limited only to sex? Why can’t a married couple, or any serious couple for that matter, slide into second base without having everyone question why they didn’t make the home run?
With these strange standards for committed couples, is it really any mystery why our sex lives become duller as our relationships age when we continue to settle into a sex-only slump? Why do we only associate casual kissing with teens in a high school parking lot? Wouldn’t it be a beautiful thing to rekindle the days of our first make-outs with our long-term partners? In no way am I suggesting that we abandon our sexual needs and stop having the sex we love, nor am I suggesting that the only way to spice up our relationships is via make-out. Of course, you could always scroll through the pages of Cosmo and test out the new sex position of the month to heat up the bedroom again. But perhaps, we’re underestimating the power of what started it all—the kiss.
We must work to escape the mindset that tells us that only sex can give us that lustful intensity. Kissing does not extinguish passion, but can even be used to enhance it. Use a random make-out in the evening to set the stage for a night of incredibly hot sex, or even surprise your partner with a tantalizing kiss that leaves him/her wanting more. Or, you can appreciate the kiss simply for what it is, time to bond with your partner and grow even closer. And while it may be “public indecency” to have sex your partner in public, the occasional concert or movie make-out proves to be much more socially acceptable.
While I may sound like a sappy teen film trying to convince you that sex is not the only way to show love—I can assure you, that is not my intention. I am not foolish. I am not supposing that sex is not an integral part of a relationship. Studies nationwide have shown that sex is essential for the survival of our relationships—better sex equals better relationships and visa-versa. However, might I ask you to revisit the first time you had sex with your partner. Remember the excitement of sleeping with someone new, and taking a flirtation to the next level, the fun of having a simple kiss turn into much more? Though we may never be able to recreate that exact moment once we’ve dove into years of monogamous sex, there may be a possibility to create that same state of sexual tension and fun flirtatiousness by reintroducing the innocent make-out back into our well-established sex lives. So go ahead, make out with your partners again.