It can be hard to stay in your lane. With Facebook, Instagram, and Twitter, information on anyone and everyone is available at your fingertips, and it seems like some people are all-too-eager to share. There’s your friend from high school who uses social media as their own personal diary, the guy who keeps a constant feed of his workouts and food choices, and of course, there’s plenty of people who post passive-aggressive comments when they’re in the middle of a feud and need distant relatives and people who know nothing about the situation to give a peppy, artificial comment of support.
In any case, when someone posts on social media, you see it and form an opinion, whether explicitly or not. She’s smart, he’s obnoxious, that couple posts too much PDA—you take this superficial information and use it to shape the way you see those around you. Of course, no one’s life could ever live up to the standards you have in your mind, so it’s easy to judge that something is wrong with someone else while putting yourself on a pedestal. This may sound like a harmless, everyday ego boost, but these judgments can run deep, damaging real relationships and heightening prejudices.
Since I’ve left high school, my life has changed dramatically. Unfortunately, the drama hasn’t. It’s everywhere—in our TV, in our movies, and in the constant buzz of celebrity gossip streamed online and across every magazine. We’re primed to love the suspense and to let every opinion be known. It’s entertaining—a pastime—and trust me, I know firsthand how addicting it can be, especially when it comes to the people we care about.
I grew up in a fairly atypical household when it comes to Utah. My dad stayed at home when my sister and I were kids, and my mom worked full-time. Of course, this happened in a time before social media, but the judgment and the never-ending flow of criticism came to them anyway. My dad was considered lazy and unmanly and my mom was heartless for leaving her children and emasculating for “forcing” her husband to take over “her job.”
It was hard to hear these types of comments from people who barely knew them, but what stung the most was to have friends and family say things that couldn’t be taken back. 20 years later, my parents are pretty much over it, but there were friendships lost along the way and relationships that could have been much stronger otherwise.
For my sister and me, judgment was a constant. I was told year after year by my peers that I was somehow damaged and less capable because my dad was there when we got home from school instead of my mom. You’d think that at some point it would get easier to have people talk behind your back, but no matter what I did, I was constantly upset by the whispers and hid myself away. However, just because you downsize your social circle doesn’t mean everyone will suddenly mind their own business.
Though people stopped caring who was at home after school when I got to junior high, that didn’t mean I was free of gossip. Even within my own small friend group, there always seemed to be something to talk about. Whether it was my crush on a guy I refused to talk to or my best friend’s indecisiveness, all of us had an opinion and would share it—though, most of the time, not to the person it involved—and I desperately craved approval.
This may sound bad, but it happens every day. In fact, a lot of the time, it’s helpful. When you have something going on, you talk to your friends and they give you advice, even if it’s just about what to wear to your job interview the next morning. When you care about someone, it’s only natural to want the best for them. However, with this consistent back-and-forth, it can be easy to lend your opinion when it really isn’t needed.
When my friend got her first boyfriend, I made the mistake of telling her that I thought he was weird, not good enough, etc., even though I barely knew him. He was a perfectly nice guy, but I was threatened by the idea of losing my friend to someone else. She spent a lot of time with him and talked about him constantly, so I would pick at the things that he did and then tell my other friends that he was weird and that their relationship was immature.
In being scared that I was going to lose my friend to her boyfriend, I made it happen. By gossiping and being outwardly rude, I hurt my friend and made her boyfriend feel awkward and out of place. I’d become just like the people who’d criticized my parents and the kids who told me I was wrong when I was a kid. Because I cared about my friend, I overextended myself into areas of her life where I didn’t belong. I thought that because her relationship wasn’t exactly what I thought a relationship should be that it was wrong, but in reality, every relationship has a different dynamic, and there are no real “rules” when it comes to love. Though their relationship was a short one, I realized that I’d wasted so much time complaining and judging that I missed out on a really exciting and happy time in my friend’s life.
The moral of the story: mind your own business. If you truly care about a person, you’ll want them to be happy and fulfilled, even if it isn’t in doing something you personally find fulfilling or with someone you like. My family and I could have been saved a lot of annoyance and awkward encounters if more people had been willing to see past their own way of thinking and been accepting of differences, and I could have saved months of drama and fighting with my friend if I had decided to truly be her friend and be supportive of her happiness. Yes, there are situations in which it’s necessary to lend your opinion, but unless you’re asked explicitly or a person you care about is in dangerous or abusive situation, save the gossip for your diary.