Suggestions for New Pepsi Ads

Hey Pepsi! Sorry your last ad with Kendall Jenner didn’t go over too well! We know your Black Lives Matter-themed ad was a little controversial. Here’s some suggestions for future ads, just in case you’re worried about going back to the drawing board! There are never too many ways you can attempt to appropriate movements for justice by the oppressed!

  1. Ad opens with a Take Back The Night protest, the feminists are marching. Their arm-pits are unruly with hair and their nipples are perky in the cool nighttime air. Kendall Jenner sees them from the top floor of a skyscraper. She looks at her iPhone, sees a tweet of a feminist Rupi Kaur poem with 1.2 million retweets. In a sudden moment of gumption, she slides down a fire pole to the crowd, and emerges amongst the protestors, handing out bras, razors, and Pepsi to the applause of the unruly feminists. Scene.

  2. Ad opens on a student with dyslexia in a library typing out a petition to oppose Betsy Devos’ stances on cutting funding and support to programs that aid disabled students in schools. Kendall Jenner sees her from across the library and her heart pounds. Zoom in on Kendal Jenner's piercing gaze and flawless skin. Kendall, with a bold disregard for the library’s “No Outside Food or Drink” policy, dashes across the library with Pepsi in hand. She stumbles, spilling the open Pepsi on the student’s keyboard. The student sees Jenner, gives an “aw-shucks” shrug and disregards the great struggles she’s made against her oppression under the supportive gaze of the less relevant Jenner sister. Scene.  

  3. Ad opens on two gay 16 year old boys kissing awkwardly in a public park. Suddenly, a group of college-aged men approach them, hollering slurs and throwing empty beer cans. Kendall Jenner, lackadaisically swinging on a nearby swing set sees this, and jumps off, sticking the landing in her designer boots. She steals a cooler full of Pepsi from a family’s picnic. Her low cut shirt drags down lower. Her leggings are moistened in the humid summer air, making her perfect thighs all the more visible. As she walks up, the men cannot bear but cease their harassment as their penises become semi-erect. Kendall pops open the cooler and hands out cans to all of the men, but not the two boys who are still trembling in fear. The group of men rejoice and all aggressively flirt with Kendall. Cut to Kendall giving one of them a kiss on the cheek. Scene.

  4. Ad opens with Kendall Jenner lazing on couch. The couch is made of polar bear fur. In the window, we see a crying girl wearing a PETA shirt. In an instant, Kendall realizes her mistake and tears the couch apart (but in a really sexy way). Kendall and the girl rejoice over a cool refreshing pepsi. Kendall politely asks the girl to act as her couch until she can get a replacement. The girl enthusiastically agrees, and the camera pans to her getting on all fours, Kendall, however, is so light that her weight barely strains the girls spine. Cut to the girl smiling through the pain. Scene.

Well Pepsi, we hope it goes better next time around. Or better yet, we hope you get your damn act together and you don't try to capitalize off of sanitized iterations of genuine political movements. BLM does not exist to be your muse. No oppressed group exists as your muse. Also, Coke tastes better anyway.