For nearly 500 days he was my one. He knew my quirks, the way I like my coffee: with creamer and just a little bit of coffee. He knew my favorite movies and foods, my biggest fears, my hopes and dreams, and my hardest challenges. He knew me on my best days and he knew me on my worst days. He knew me dancing in the rain with my naturally curly hair and at prom with my synthetically curled hair. But somewhere between day 1 and day 500, something went wrong. It wasn’t over night, and it wasn’t just one thing. There were more mistakes but more forgiveness, more love but more resentment. My mom always told me “the second you start to wonder if you can trust him is the second it’s already too late.” Everyone told me. They told me he wasn’t worth it, they told me he wasn’t the right one, they told me to just forget and let go. But how could I forget someone who gave me so much to remember? The answer is: I can’t. I can’t forget the spontaneous flowers, the first time we kissed or the first time you told me you loved me. I’ll never forget your favorite foods or the way you cried when you lost your championship game. But I will forgive. I will forgive myself for staying for too long. Forgive myself for being so blinded by my love for you. And forgive myself for letting you manipulate me.
I will find someone who loves my quirks, knows the way I like my coffee: with creamer and just a little bit of coffee. He will know my favorite movies and foods and protect me from my biggest fears. He will help me accomplish my hopes and dreams, and be there for my hardest challenges. He will love me on my best days and on my worst. He will know me dancing in the rain and he will know me dancing with him at our wedding. I will find someone who will stare at me when I’m not paying attention just to study the slope of my nose, the blue of my eyes and the way my hair falls over my shoulder. I will find someone whose laughter warms my body from the inside out, and whose kisses tickle all the way down my spine whether it’s been 1 day, 500 days or 50 years.
Though I’m left with a secondhand heart, I can’t wait to give it to someone who will keep it forever. I want to thank you for the good times and the bad. I want to thank you for showing me what a successful relationship does not look like. I want to thank you for screaming at me. I want to thank you for 500 days of lessons. But ultimately, I want to thank you for being the one before the one.