I was conflicted in writing this letter for you, but there are too many feelings that need to come out. First of all, thank you for loving me for two and a half years. I loved you too much. Do you know how many chances I gave you? Looking back at it now, I was so stupid. It feels absolutely pathetic.
I felt really happy during the time we dated, but you broke all your promises. Everyone told me that a relationship is built on trust. I didn’t trust you. Even now, as acquaintances, I don’t think I will ever be able to trust your words. Although you said you loved me and cherished me, do you know what you cherished more? Your substance use.
You may have not been hooked on the dangerous three, but that doesn’t mean you weren’t trying out loads of other dangerous substances. After two years, I would think I’d know you from the outside to the core, but I think I only ever knew half of you. I opened my heart up to you. I introduced you to my friends and invited you to hang out with us. You never did that. You never invited me anywhere with your friends. I had this daydream that you would actually invite me to the multiple concerts and parties you went to. I’m not a party or EDM person, but at least I would have been happy to enjoy it with the person I loved. Do you understand how pitiful it felt to ask to be invited to an event? You always said, “You don’t like that stuff, so I didn’t consider it.” You didn’t consider my feelings either.
I remember when the lying started. We were four months into our relationship. Remember the first promise you ever made to me? I guess it was also a stupid promise on my part. I asked you to not use substances anymore, because I didn’t fancy it. You promised. You broke that promise. After that you made more promises and continued to break each one. Remember when I flushed down your supply of cocaine? Remember how many times I called you that night, worried out of my mind? Turns out you were high on Xanax and buying drugs. I had stayed up worrying that you had gotten into some kind of accident. The next morning when you found out that I flushed your drugs, you raged at me. You violated yourself in front of me and it was one of the worst fears I have ever felt. I called your mom and she called the police. You then blamed me for calling the police. I should have ended it with you a long time ago. I should have ended it with you the first time you lied to me. I became one of those girls I told myself I would never become. I was eager and desperate for your attention. I became hungry to check your texts everyday. I wanted to trust you so bad, all this time, but you didn’t let me.
“I was scared you would get mad at me,” you said as I found truths to the lies you’d been spouting from your rotten mouth. You’re a coward. You know, if you had just told me the damn truth in the first place, I would have been a lot less angry. I thought we were close. I thought that being boyfriend and girlfriend meant we could tell each other everything. Sure, at first I hid some things from you, but as my heart opened up to you, I eventually told you everything about myself.
We had good times. We had happy times where I felt like the world could throw everything at me and I would not break. It’s harder to remember the happy times when you broke my heart over and over again. My smile became a frown. Instead of tears of joy, it was tears of heartbreak. I will thank you, however, for making me realize that I need someone who is one hundred times better than you. I need that guy who I can trust 200% and treat me like an equal. I deserve a guy who respects me the way I respect him. I know I won’t go for someone like you again.
It hasn’t been long since we split, but I’m finally getting over it.
Sincerely,
The Best Thing You Never Let Happen to You