In the beginning of February, I lost my grandfather. It had been a long time coming with him in and out of the hospital since October of last year. Even though it wasn’t out of the blue, it was excruciating to have to say goodbye, and not be able to do anything but wait.
Before my grandfather, I had never truly lost anyone. He had always been such a constant part of my life. He had the best sense of humor, the biggest heart, and always supported me in everything I did. I wish I could find the words to accurately describe the amazing person he was. I had to say goodbye to him over the phone without getting to see him, hug him, or even hear his voice. That moment broke my heart.
I still don’t know how to react, or how to cope. Especially since I am such an independent person, I struggle to find the balance between processing alone and finding comfort through friends and family. Most of the time, when I need to deal with a bad mood or work through something that’s upsetting me, I like to be by myself. I thought I might be able to deal with the grief of losing my grandfather in the same way, but it has been so much more difficult than I could have ever expected.
Being at school out of state for school has only added to the mess. When something goes wrong, life doesn’t pause, and your responsibilities don’t get put on hold. I got the news on a Monday morning and I still had to go to all of my classes. I had to face people and answer their prodding questions when I hadn’t had any time to process for myself. How dare they ask what’s wrong with me? What right do they have to know every personal detail of my life? Having a few classes together doesn’t mean that their hug is what is going to get me through today. Probably quite the opposite.
It has taken me time, and talking to someone going through a similar situation, for me to realize that I don’t need to give everyone answers. I am allowed to grieve in my own way. I appreciate your willingness to comfort me, but the truth is, I don’t need to be coddled. All I need is some understanding, some space, and maybe someone to talk to when I’m ready.
Everyone grieves differently. What works for you might not work for the next person. We all need to remember this the next time we jump to comfort someone. Our intentions could be meaningful, but might just be overwhelming for that person. All we can do is have patience, be kind, and love when it’s wanted.