The female orgasm is like a college degree, everyone in this economy wants one, but very few people are actually willing to put in the work it takes to get one. So it’s no surprise that collegiate men of 2018 are taking the easiest classes, accepting a C+ average, and spending more time riding a skateboard than actually riding a woman. And much like school, all this complacency, and coasting along in the classroom, as well as the bedroom, could be solved with some good ole’ fashioned studying. Where is the clitoris, you ask? Turn to page 35 of your textbooks. But all jokes aside, there is a very real and very dangerous disparity in the amount of homework a straight man vs. straight woman are willing to do for good sex. While heterosexual women like myself, have spent years saving “position of the month” articles, and have taken the Cosmo quiz practically since our conception, straight men have relied on the “alphabet” trick for their entirety of their sexual careers (newsflash fellas: it doesn’t work, and never will).
But why are women willing to log in more hours in the sexual homework department? And the answer, my dear friends, is embedded what we love to call “the patriarchy.” For the better of our history, heterosexual relationships have relied on male-dominance and female inferiority. Sadly, the needs of women have been subordinated for so long, that men still buy-in to the lie that female sexuality is lesser. But let’s clear this up right now, the female orgasm is not an option, or a bonus, or an unexpected goody bag. If I RSVP to a party, I expect my goody bag. And as a good host, you should plan accordingly.
When we consider how crucial sexuality and sexual conquests are to masculinity, I can’t help but wonder why the ability to make a woman orgasm hasn’t hopped on the masculinity bandwagon. Why isn’t Jason from alpha sigma beta, leaning over to his “bro,” and bragging that he can make his girlfriend “cum three times in a row?” Because the world is unfair, and anything that is pleasurable to a woman is deemed unjustifiably feminine. Unfortunately in masculinity’s eyes, sex has never been about quality, but quantity. It doesn’t matter that you can give the best oral sex on campus, the judges only award masculinity points, if your body count reads like a telephone book from 2003. God forbid you actually care about the woman you’re sleeping with, that just wouldn’t be “manly.”
Not surprisingly, we only seem to find this behavior in the contexts of male-female relationships. So, with that, let’s consult the expertise of the very elusive, but widely-coveted lesbian couple. Are the rumors true, are lesbians really having orgasm-centric sex, or are, they too, sighing and shrugging off missed opportunities with a “oh, don’t worry about it.” Or this really a hetero-exclusive, a.ka. the purest symbol of the laziness of the straight male? (Hint: the Huffington Post study shows that lesbian women had the highest orgasm rate at 74.7 percent.)
Of course, I will attribute these shortcomings (or no comings at all) to this very dominant culture of male entitlement. Men feel so deserving of sexual pleasure that they often forget about their female partners. And while empowering women and liberating female sexuality is the real solution, unfortunately, to get the results we want, we need to appeal to the masses, appeal to the power, and masculinize the female orgasm accordingly. But what does it mean to “masculinize the female orgasm?” Well, we need to use these masculine expectations to our advantage, and strap skills in the bedroom to notions of masculinity. After all, if toxic masculinity is going to insist on sexuality as a key criterion to being the manliest man of all, why not use it to our benefit?
Sadly, it is very probable that we will never live in a world that doesn’t favor the masculine interest (they don’t call it a man’s world for no reason). So along with placing more emphasis on female pleasure and satisfaction, we need to construct masculinity around standards that favor women–not hurt them. Let’s normalize and glamourize female pleasure, instead of giving arbitrary standards of masculinity (sports participation, muscle mass, age, number of sexual partners, etc.) attention they don’t deserve. But this isn’t a job for women.. we have enough jobs to worry about in the bedroom (I’m looking at you Blowjob). Making peak sexual performance a facet of hegemonic masculinity is the responsibility of the man. Guys, educate your fellow male friends about the important of sexually satisfying the women in their lives. Make that the new norm, and use your power for good, not evil.