I’ve always hated the concept of trying to change someone, especially a significant other. That just sounds ridiculous, doesn’t it? I mean, if you love someone so much and truly care about them, and there are so many great reasons why you are in a relationship with them, it almost seems illogical to think about changing them, right? Sure, there may be some problems here or there, but it’s never anything you can’t handle. Right?
I don’t know about you, but that was definitely my mental thought process about a lot of relationships in my life… and often, after I finally cut ties with those people, I later on would finally come to the realization that those relationships were pretty toxic.
Yes, my mom warned me a million times that I needed to step back and stop trying to fix my ex (listen to your mom once in a while. Trust me, it actually works sometimes…) and honestly, my friends and roommates and anyone who bothered to give me their two cents would say the same. I had a problem; I needed to stop trying to “fix” people.
Again, that sounded insane to me at the time. Of course I wasn’t trying to fix anyone! If anything, I was just trying to be a tolerant and supportive friend and girlfriend to someone I considered really important and special in my life. I saw little warning signs, of course, that I had become a “fixer” in our relationship. Looking back, these “little” warning signs were actually pretty big signs. I tried to full on deal with all kinds of problems he was having, ranging from the unhealthy ways he would try to cope with his emotional problems, to his sudden absences in which I wouldn’t hear from him for days, and even his failing grades, and general despondence sometimes. Don’t get me wrong, my ex was and probably still is one of my best friends and one of the most influential people in my life. But unfortunately, it was an unhealthy relationship in the end, and most of that was honestly my fault.
It’s painful to even think, but I was almost proud of the fact that I was my ex’s crutch and that I was trying to get his life together and to be his biggest supporter. But in reality, he never asked me to do those things. I put myself in that situation and took on the role of being his “superhero” girlfriend myself. I took on burdens that were bigger than me, and tried to resolve issues that were impossible for me to resolve. There were times when I would lay in bed and cry at night because I didn’t know how or if I could pull him out of his latest mess. And I hated myself for how much it hurt every time that he would pull away from me after I had tried so hard to fix everything, or stop communicating with me for a week, or forget our anniversary.
No matter how painful it all was, though, I refused to let go. I refused to admit to myself that I couldn’t deal with the problems in his life, and I thought that being strong meant not walking away, no matter how bad things were or how unhappy I got. I was fighting an uphill battle; and the battle wasn’t really about changing him, but about changing my own mindset and realizing that it was never him or his troubles that were “broken.” The only thing that was broken was my own stubbornness in letting go of a relationship that just wasn’t right for me. I took on the responsibility of trying to fix his problems, but really, that wasn’t my responsibility in the first place. It isn’t anybody’s responsibility to take on another’s person’s issues and try to deal with them, especially if that person isn’t capable to doing the same for you.
This isn’t just the case with significant others. I’ve found myself in the same situation with some of the friends I used to consider closest to me. There are times when a loved one really might be dealing with the kind of emotional instability that’s too big for you to take on by yourself. Trying to help them fix the issues surrounding that problem will only make them feel even more helpless and hurt for needing to be “fixed,” and will only make you feel frustrated and guilty for never really being able to resolve everything.
Take it from me: Letting go is not a sign of weakness. It is a sign of strength, too. You may not be purposefully trying to change a loved one, and you may think that you’re just being a supportive and guiding hand in his or her life. And yes, to an extent, you should be. And of course you should work hard to maintain a healthy and happy relationship with your family, friends and significant other, which is often painful and takes a lot of sacrifice and compromise. The difference is that in a healthy relationship, you shouldn’t be the only one working towards that same goal. If you feel like you’re the only one who is trying to better that relationship, chances are you might be inadvertently attempting to change that person, too.