Just over two weeks ago, I, unfortunately, became a number—another one in three women in Utah to be raped or sexually assaulted. I instantly became one more story, one more survivor. However, what I would like to share with you is not all of the details of what happened to me, but how my perpetrator affected me after the fact—traumatized, devastated, and angry, of course—yet strong, hopeful, and inspired.
The several days following the incident were long and brutal, as I’m sure any other survivor would concur from their own experience, as well. Denial, confusion, shock, depression—for several days after I experienced them all. But I think what affected me the most was coming to the sad realization that my perpetrator, my so-called acquaintance, someone who I went on a few dates with, someone who I thought I could trust—didn’t care at all. For instance, he kept inviting me to Facebook events and sent me a few Snapchats—as if nothing ever happened. Then, when I saw him at a party this past weekend, (it was very awkward and uncomfortable) he drunkenly gave me a nod, said, “Hey, how are you?,” breezed by me—and that was it.
I sadly realized in that moment that he didn’t think twice or bat an eyelash at my feelings—he didn’t care that I was a virgin, didn’t care that I was drunk, didn’t care that I was in pain. He didn’t care that I trusted him in making my first sexual experience consensual—he didn’t respect me, which is the only thing I wanted.
The fact that he didn’t care about my feelings in the slightest, is devastating—however, I have learned to use his carelessness and selfishness to further express my own feelings. I have learned that for next time, I will make sure whoever I am sexually involved with not only values what I want, but who I am.
My perpetrator covered my mouth with his hand to stop me from making noise—but now, I am here—howling in pain for all of the women and men who have had to endure an experience like this. I am screaming at all of the people who don’t care about consensual sex. I am crying for the survivors who feel like they don’t have a support system to help them through their grief. However, I am sobbing in relief and admiration for all of the people who fight for, stand up for, and support rape and sexual assault survivors, and for those who try their hardest to combat this tragically growing epidemic on college campuses across the country.
Lastly, I am paying my respects– #MeToo.