“HARDER DADDY – YES MISTRESS, THANK YOU MISTRESS,” are not the words you would hear coming from the traditional client-therapist relationship. These titles are specific to submissives and dominants in the realm of BDSM. People often think of BDSM as taboo, degrading, pathological, atrocious and plain insidious. What people don’t realize is that when practiced consensually, professionally or therapeutically it can prove to be healing, therapeutic and downright fun. One study found through a means of shadowplay and force fantasies, individuals have the ability to reenact trauma for their brain to “fix” what happened at the time that they lost control (Van Der Kolk, 1989). Another study found that individuals experienced spiritual and lasting impressions after BDSM. The last study I encountered was from Dominatrixes in New York and San Francisco who use roleplay to help clients overcome trauma and reenact sexual fantasies. Although it is a seemingly unlikely therapeutic practice, when acted out in an appropriate fashion through reenacting sexual fantasies can prove to have profound behavioral changes on individuals with sexual trauma.
BDSM – the acronym that refers to Bondage, Discipline, Sadism and Masochism. B stands for Bondage, which is one of the tools that dominants use to restrain their submissives. The pressure from the restraints creates a feeling of loss of control, submission and trust. D stands for dominance, one of the participants assumes the role of the dominant and issues commands to the submissive. The submissive will obey the dominant or receive a physical punishment often involving humiliation or physical pain. This is a powerplay relationship that involves mentally stimulating roleplay as well as forceful and often “torturous” physical play. S stands for sadism which is referred to as someone who experiences pleasure from hurting others. M is for masochism – which is on the receiving end of the sadist’s punishment. The rush of endorphins that individuals experience from the power and pleasure tactic is what creates that symbiotic relationship. BDSM has a majorly negative stigma attached due to it’s forbidden/pathological nature. Most think it’s strange and insidious, what they don’t realize is when BDSM is done correctly, it heavily is based on the premise of consent. When the relationship between the submissive and the dominant is healthy, the submissive is the one who is in control. They use safe words to let the dominant know whether they want more or less or to completely stop the action that is happening.
I believe this is therapeutic for survivors in the sense that they lost control in the instance when the trauma happened. By giving them the reins to decide how much and what they allow provides the sense of gaining control and choosing what happens to their bodies. Oftentimes with people who experience trauma, their brain can associate pleasure with pain (Van Der Kolk, 1989). When an individual has physical pain inflicted on them, they experience a rush and release of endorphins as well as the release of oxytocin when they are being intimate with a partner. There is an extreme amount of trust when it comes to BDSM – particularly between dominant and submissive. You’re choosing the person who’s dominating you and you’re choosing to give over the power, and you’re hopefully doing it in a controlled, safe environment (Lindemann, 2011). This excerpt is from a study that was conducted by Danielle Lindemann at Columbia University to delve into the therapeutic side of BDSM and look at it as a therapeutic practice rather than a pathology (Lindemann, 2011). One of the healing benefits discussed by a pro-dommes in Danielle’s article is, “the sense that they hold the potential to transform an individual by providing a window into his or her identity” (Lindemann, 2011).
By giving people the opportunity to sexually express themselves with no judgement in a safe space and to create a new identity around their sexual experiences can be very healing for the individual. Lindemann hypothesis states that, “when certain kinds of conditions (loving, playful, symbolizing, paradoxical, ‘homeopathic’, etc.) are present, there is a potential for using these psychodramatic sexual scenarios in the service of both relational and intrapsychic growth” (Lindemann, 2011). The methods of her study included a sample of 52 pro-dommes from NYC and 14 female pro-dommes in the SF Bay area. She asked them questions and led a full detailed interview asking them questions about their practices and the healing that takes place among their clients. She found that almost, if not all, pro-dommes referred to themselves as therapists or that their work was therapeutic. This is one case study that proved BDSM to be healing for clients through being dominated and completing psychodramatic roleplay. A study conducted by Alexzandria C. Baker out of Saybrook University to look into the spiritual and transcendent experiences that occur during BDSM practice. This is notably a novel topic of research as in the past the focus has been on the physical health, pathological and mental well being of the practitioners of BDSM. Her study was to capture “limited view of the experience” (Baker, 2016) whether it was an intentional spiritual experience or whether it was just an experience that turned out to have spiritual qualities.
The methodology – main question of this study was, “Can you describe, in detail, a specific time when you had a spiritual experience while engaging in a BDSM scene?” she wanted to not only capture details of the lived experience but the psychological constituents as it was lived (Baker, 2016). What I appreciate and find interesting about this study is the author’s interest in looking into the transcending qualities of BDSM. The researcher was specifically looking for reports of experiences in which, from the individual’s own perspective, the individual’s consciousness was shifted – whether that being heightened, deepend, or otherwise distorted (Baker, 2016). This is how she defined a ‘spiritual experience’ not meaning to quantify, validate or refute someone’s experience but simply wanting to collect information about the person’s experience in hope of a deeper understanding. In addition to this, there is hope for more research to be done in this field to potentially normalize BDSM so we can discover more of the healing and therapeutic qualities. There were 46 volunteers, of the 46 after going through the screening process and completing the questions only 9 were selected for the data-analysis.
While the sample size was small, “It was proposed that BDSM might serve, for some practitioners, as a path toward self-transformation and connection with that which is held as sacred” (Baker, 2016). With each subject and in this type of BDSM sex and roleplay each individual is, “compelled in some way to open themselves, emotionally, physically, and psychologically, to a new level beyond their normal expectations and perceieved limiations” (Baker, 2016). With that being said, the individual is experiencing a type of psychotherapy. BDSM therapy looks very different from Cognitive Behavioral Therapy yet still lies within the same principles of opening up and working through limitations and issues. The findings of this study concluded that some individuals experience spiritual experiences from BDSM and admit to positive permanent change. This is another study that focuses on the realm and activities within BDSM that can be considered healing, therapeutic and spiritual. I suppose some people go to church on Sundays, and well, some people BDSM. Through consent, communication, trust, sexual fantasies and roleplay individuals can have spiritual experiences and have lasting impressions and therapeutic effects.
The last study I will be focusing on was done by researchers at Widener University in Chester, PA. They found a significant amount of growing “evidence that suggests somatic healing is an integral part of healing psychological wounds” (Levand, 2017) Their research was done on the premise of looking at sexual fantasies aiding those with sexual trauma to heal. Their research led to the conclusion that many people – whether or not they have sexual trauma have “force” or “rape” fantasies (Levand, 2017). Shadowplay is the term used in the article that refers to participants reenacting the rape or force fantasy and that this can prove to be healing for individuals who have undergone sexual trauma (Levand, 2017). Researchers also convey that the reason for some of these fantasies has to do with attachment styles as well as being disguised as childhood trauma (Levand, 2017). The absolute reason as to why an individual may fantasize about something as traumatizing as rape – there is no definitive answer only different speculations from theorists. They also found that both men and women experience forced fantasies, so it isn’t specific to gender.
It’s also crucial to note that these fantasies have been agreed upon, in advance and are consensual and based on the needs of the participants (Levand, 2017). “It is also important to note that the same acts of sexual violence that can cause psychological trauma when experienced in a coercive context can be psychologically rewarding in a consensual context for the BDSM-oriented individual” (Levand, 2017). This statement proves the point that it can be beneficial and therapeutic for sexual trauma survivors. This article and study was the perfect example to provide claims about my thesis statement. In it, they delve into some of the reasonings as to why BDSM can be healing to those who have experienced sexual trauma and provide background knowledge from theorist’s perspectives including Jung and Freud as well as talk about the behaviors associated with BDSM that are conducive to healing. I think these articles are a testament to saying, “don’t be so quick to judge.” I think from a societal view we heavily demonize sexual diversity rather than celebrate it or normalize it. In my opinion, something that’s spiritual/therapeutic or beneficial to an individual should receive praise, not stigma. I believe people are afraid of what they don’t know and don’t understand. Truthfully, we’re all a little kinky – sadistic, masochistic and have roles in our lives of dominance and submission.
It’s easy to write off BDSM as pathological – sick and wrong, and disturbing to think about. However, studies have shown and given clear examples that when practiced in a consensual, safe, and sane manner to the participants BDSM can be incredibly therapeutic and healing. It can have lasting beneficial impressions and can help those who have sexual trauma to heal and regain control over the control that they lost in the traumatic situation. In conclusion, get kinky, tap into your D/S dynamic and explore the taboo subject that is kink!
Baker, A. C. (2016). Sacred kink: finding psychological meaning at the intersection of BDSM and spiritual experience. Sexual and Relationship Therapy, 33(4), 440–453. doi: 10.1080/14681994.2016.1205185
Levand, Mark A. “The Light in the Shadows: Therapeutic Explorations of Fantasy and Fear*.” Sexual and Relationship Therapy., vol. 34, no. 4, 2019, p. 473.
Lindemann, D. (2011). BDSM as therapy? Sexualities, 14(2), 151–172. doi: 10.1177/1363460711399038
Van Der Kolk, B. A. (1989, June). The compulsion to repeat the trauma. Re-enactment, revictimization, and masochism. Retrieved from https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/2664732