A few weeks ago, I went to a concert with some girlfriends. When my friends and I found each other at the venue a chorus of “ohmygoshyoulooksocute!” and similar comments ensued. This was not a new phenomenon, but something about it struck me that day. Had any of us actually looked at each other in those short moments before throwing out that compliment? If we had looked at each other, did we really think that? And more importantly, were our appearances truly the most interesting things we could talk about in that moment?
There is nothing inherently wrong with complimenting someone’s appearance, in fact, it can be genuine and lovely sometimes. However, I have seen over and over again people hiding behind these compliments when they feel awkward and have nothing to say, or when they want to give a compliment but can’t think of anything other than the shirt that person is wearing. This limits our capacity to have real conversations with people and our ability to communicate clearly and authentically. Additionally, constantly giving and receiving comments solely regarding appearance (whether we mean to or not) sends the message to the people around us that our appearances are the most interesting and important thing about us. In a culture that is already shoving this aesthetically obsessed message down our throats, we could all benefit from thinking and talking about more substantive, important things.
In considering all of this these last few weeks, I have come up with two challenges that I want to pose to myself and to you:
Sit in the awkward silence.
This is SO much easier said than done. But in my experience, the more you practice and just lean into the awkwardness and vulnerability, the better it feels over time. When we allow space for our genuine thoughts to emerge, we can communicate more authentically and deeply. So next time you feel some awkward silence, smile, pause and feel it for a moment before you speak. See how this practice changes your conversations with strangers, acquaintances and loved ones.
Before you comment on someone’s appearance, consider giving a different, more authentic compliment.
Because of our cultural norms, complimenting on appearance is second nature. If we all started telling each other the deeply beautiful things we can see in one another, the more genuinely confident and loved we would feel. It can be challenging to put into words what we really see in someone, so here are some examples:
- “It is so great to see you!”
- “You look like you’re having so much fun.”
- “You give off such great energy.”
- “You have such a contagious laugh!”
- “You are so intelligent.”
- “You are such a great listener.”
- “I feel like I can be myself around you.”
These are just some starting points, but the best, most real and connective things you can say to people come from within. We all have the innate ability to connect with others on a deep level, but sometimes we forget how to start. I challenge you (and me) to try these two experiments for a while and sense what happens in your relationships and yourself.
