I think it’s safe to assume that we all know, to at least some extent, the rollercoaster of emotions that comes with a breakup, whether that be with a significant other or even a best friend. There are many different ways to handle breakups including all the cliches- ice cream, wine, sobbing as you rewatch Carrie find and lose and then find love again with Mr. Big. However, at the end of the day, we all choose to cope in different ways. After breaking up with my first serious college boyfriend, I noticed a transition in myself that I hadn’t seen before.
1. Feeling of freedom
I dated my boyfriend for 7 months (my longest college relationship) and towards the last month, it was not at all healthy. The relationship could definitely be described as toxic, and it was impacting my overall sanity. Not a day went by without a fight and these weren’t small spats, to say the least. It felt like I couldn’t do anything right and like I couldn’t breathe without him getting angry. Towards the end, I became short tempered as well. So, without much surprise, my first few days of being single felt like I was finally free again and like I could breathe. I was still cautious in regards to what I said and how I acted around people for the first few weeks, but once my life was filled with supportive and happy relationships, I felt more and more comfortable returning back to being me. I was no longer scared to speak my mind, go out with my friends and pursue what I thought was best.
2. Adjustment to being on my own
That first feeling of freedom was extremely liberating, but I’m sure we can all testify that breakups aren’t all newfound sunshine and roses. The second thing that happened almost immediately was my adjustment to being alone. My boyfriend and I spent almost every second together that we could. He slept over every night, so one of the adjustments was learning how to sleep alone. When it came to day to day activities, I never had to worry about who I would go to that new horror movie with, who I would get sushi with, who would take me sledding, and very importantly who would be there for me on my hardest days. With some exception, he could be there if I needed him. It was definitely a difficult adjustment to learn how to be there for myself and be my own person. As hard as our relationship was, it was definitely easier to have him there for a rough day and a shoulder to cry on, rather than to just have myself.
3. Rebuilding other relationships
When I broke up with my boyfriend, I faced the hard reality that I had cut out a lot of my girlfriends. I had lost, to a degree, important relationships with my sorority sisters, my roommate/best friend, and even my parents. They were there for me when they heard about the breakup, but I did come to realize that they had moved on in their friend groups while I was in my relationship. I want to add that this is not a bad thing to some extent. It is normal to lose a little bit of contact with friends when you find a significant other; however, the aftermath of my breakup taught me that it’s extremely important to try and maintain you other relationships while dating. I started to reach out to my sorority sisters by making plans to go out on the weekends, hosting wine and movie nights at my place, etc. I made an effort to restart weekly roommate dates with my best friend who had amazingly been there for me through the whole relationship and the breakup. As cheesy as it may sound, it is true: significant others will come and go but remember your friends and family because they were there for you from the start.
4. “Did I do the right thing?“
Odds are, if you are the one to break up with your significant other, there will be a point where you ask yourself this. In some cases, it is possible you rushed into it too quickly or were simply angry/frustrated and that is what led your decision. For me, that was not the case. My relationship had reached its’ end a month before it actually ended, and it took me a while to come to that point of realization. Every time I had that twinge of regret or “Did I do the right thing?”, it was because I missed being in a relationship and not because I missed that person. In a lot of ways, this is the most dangerous step because if not carefully considered, it can lead you to attempt to force a doomed relationship. When I approached this stage, I made a pros and cons list and it helped me realize that as hard as the situation may seem, I was truly better off not being in that particular relationship.
5. Health/Fitness
I have ended relationships in the past where health/fitness was actually not something that happened to me. However, this time it was. I had been unhappy with my body for months and I knew this was not the ideal place where my health should be. I was constantly going out to fancy dinners with my boyfriend, cooking rich foods at home, and snuggling in for a movie rather than hitting the gym. It was definitely a change, as I am usually the person to try and make it to the gym at least 2-3 times a week, opt for healthier meals, etc. Right after I broke up with my boyfriend, I knew I needed a change. I signed up for the ‘Butts and Guts’ class at the Life Center, started running again in the mornings, and stocked my fridge full of healthier alternatives. Through all of this, I used fitness as a solution for my problem of isolation. Running in the morning (although painful to think about when my alarm went off) made me feel good and happy. I decided to take the healthier lifestyle pledge with one of my sorority sisters. We pushed each other at the gym, encouraged each other to eat healthier and bonded through the process.
6. Back and Better
The process of the post-breakup is long, hard, and not always the best, but I was lucky to end mine with feelings of self-love, motivation and confidence. The week before I ended my relationship I had accepted an internship at the Attorney General’s Office for the 2017 Legislative Session. My orientation was a week after my breakup and I focused on learning everything I could and preparing myself to be the best intern that I could. When I would feel low or discouraged, I remembered to pride myself on doing something so demanding and prestigious. I didn’t need a boyfriend to validate that what I was doing was great or impressive because I knew it was. I had always been the girl to strive for success in school and my career, and the feeling of getting back into that was like no other. I was on my own, made my own decisions and felt like I could conquer the world.
At the end of the day, it was a rollercoaster to get to this point but I am glad that I went through my breakup stages the way that I did. The strong feelings of isolation and sometimes depression led me to feelings of empowerment and wanting to be the best single version of myself I could be.