This isn’t to say you aren’t sexy. This isn’t to say you aren’t delicious, yummy, a snack. This is only to say that you just can’t compare to these delicious carbohydrates.
Bowtie, otherwise known as Farfalle, otherwise known as Perfect Hip To Waist Ratio, Toots
Damn, if this isn’t an obvious one. Look at those curves. Farfalle is quintessentially thick. Sir Mix A Lot would love farfalle. Not to mention the way farfalle serves any sauce, how cheese can drip and hold in those folds by farfalle’s lil pasta-waist. Mmm.
Cavatappi, which would never let me down or hurt me or leave me for some woman who doesn’t have adult acne
You know the pesto cavatappi from Noodles and Co? Man, I would offer up my firstborn child for a bowl of that after a bad day. If I had a dick, I would totally put it in a cavatappi noodle. Like, assuming it was a big enough cavatappi. This is all hypothetical, okay? Don’t think about it too hard.
Ravioli, who would have thousands of instagram followers and not in the “so relatable” way but the “oh my god I wish I was you” way if it was a person and not made of dough
Okay, if I had a penis, I would ABSOLUTELY shove it in ravioli. No questions asked. Ravioli is possibly the most sensual of pastas. It’s inner creaminess, the indulgence of biting into the pocket of complex carbs. Ravioli is a sincerely f*ckable pasta.
Spaghetti, with a heart of gold and slathering of meatballs (YEAH, MEATBALLS. I KNOW WHAT YOU THOUGHT WHEN YOU READ THAT)
A classic. How could it be forgotten? You look at yourself, and you look at spaghetti. Which is more likely to make someone aroused? We all know the answer, and it isn’t you, Sarah. It isn’t you.
Macaroni, god damn I love macaroni
Now, I don’t think macaroni is inherently sexy the way some other pastas listed here are. Macaroni isn’t a Victoria’s Secret sexy, it isn’t a deep, lusty bed-laden-with-flower-petals sexy. No, macaroni is the happily-married-for-ten-years-and-the-spark-won’t-fade sexy. Macaroni is banging in the laundry room while the kids nap sexy. Macaroni is domestic, but with a heart of fire.
Gnocchi, which I’m not sure what it is but I am sure it could teach me about a wild lifestyle I’ve never imagined if I was only willing to try
Now, if I’m being truthful with all of us, I’m not fully sure what gnocchi is and I’m in too deep to ask questions now. But here’s what I do know: gnocchi is a gift from the gods above. Gnocchi is a uniquely sincere pasta (is it a pasta? once I watched an old boyfriend of mine’s little brother make it, bustling around the kitchen like a housewife two cocktails in determined to impress her husband on the night of their anniversary, and it just seemed like such an ordeal and the whole time I was unsure if it counted as pasta) for it’s subtly. Gnocchi is almost a humble pasta, understated but so satisfying. And? I would absolutely f*ck it.
Don’t take this completely (but at least a little) literally. Do not introduce your genitals to any pasta, regardless of how scrumptious the pasta may be. But you should feel at least a little insecure by contrast to it. How could you compare? How could you be so precious in your carbohydrate levels? How could you pair so well with an alfredo or parmesan coating? You could not. You could not.