The season of undeniable romance and unsolicited PDA has arrived yet again for its annual debut. For some reason, as the weather grows cooler and the leaves take on new colors, people seem to become more romantic.
With all of this pent-up passion, people start falling in love left and right, hopping into relationships as the pumpkins take root. When I started noticing this trend the first few fall seasons, I didn’t think much of it. However, at this romantically starved point in my life, I can’t help but dread this time of year.
Now don’t get me wrong: fall is my favorite season. The pumpkins, the food, the coziness of it all; it holds a special place in my heart. What does not hold such a sacred place though, is the love the rest of the world is currently experiencing.
I usually cope during this time of year with some classic sad toons along with a couple of quick and casual affirmations in my bathroom mirror reminding myself that I don’t need a relationship. This year though, I started to hit a point where I thought I didn’t even want a relationship anymore.
I figured I was coming to this natural conclusion because I had simply not experienced romantic love before. Now, after lots of unwanted but necessary reflection, it’s clear that this conclusion has stemmed from the self-deprecating sentiment that I’m not worthy of someone else’s love.
There is of course a lot to unpack there that I don’t have the time nor the desire to dive into, but I do have a feeling that I’m not the only one feeling this way.
Let’s be honest, it can be hard seeing people seemingly living life to the fullest, making memories, and, worst of all, falling in love.
It can be so hard that sometimes we convince ourselves that there’s a reason we don’t have the love that other people have; and the reasoning we come up with is that we don’t deserve it, because if we deserved it we would have it… right?
Sometimes, like in my case, we will take this feeling and run with it for miles on top of miles until we spitefully believe that we never wanted a relationship in the first place.
Although this may seem like a logical thought process, it really isn’t. Trust me, I’ve used it myself and the only thing it’s done for me is make me feel guilty for not having been in a devoted relationship.
After taking some time to work through my self-loathing thoughts regarding romantic love, I realize that I actually kind of want one of those cliché fall relationships that I despise seeing every year. I admit it, I want to fall in love and be all sappy with someone.
So for everyone who has or is currently experiencing this inner battle of being anti-relationships but also craving some sort of romance in your life, it’s totally okay. The thought of further exploring this deep-rooted struggle is pretty daunting, so it’s important to remember to be vulnerable and forgiving with yourself. You are all worthy and deserving of the love that comes into your life and I hope you try to accept it with open arms and maybe we will start to dread this time of year a little less.