Whether you are Irish or not, odds are that on Saturday, March 12, 2016, you at leasted acted like it: tossing back Jameson and singing at the top of your lungs, clad in green and clover tats.
Here are the blurry, but familiar stages of The Newport St. Patrick’s Day Parade.
1. The Early Rise
Rise and shine, sleepy Ram! Time to get your pregame on! Sure, it was 6:30 a.m. and you could barely open your eyes, but you could still open your mouth and toss back an Irish coffee. If your roommate didn’t blast “Shipping Up To Boston” before 7 a.m., then you need to get a new roommate like yesterday.
2. The Irish Makeover
You couldn’t go to a New England parade in celebration of St. Patrick without decking some serious green. Whether it was with a Guiness T-shirt, high green and white striped socks, four-leaf clover temporary tattoos, or festive-yet-completely-impracticle sunglasses, you sported some Irish pride. Who cared if you were dressed weather appropriate, you wore your beer sweater.
3. The Pregame
This was an interesting combination of shotgunning beers, taking shots of Jameson followed by a swig of ginger ale, racing your friends in chugging Irish car bombs, and capturing some insta-worthy moments before you got too drunk to keep your eyes open for a pic. You told yourself that it was a marathon, not a race, yet you still wound up feelin’ a liiiiiittle too good upon leaving.
4. The Parade
If you made it this far, then congratulations! You made it a long way! This marked your fifth hour of drinking like a freshman trying to forget. This was where you spent 2% of your time watching the actual parade, 8% looking for your friends, 35% over-enthusiastically greeting people you know from school, 10% trying to get into a bar with an insane cover fee, another 35% drinking even more booze, and the last 10% trying not to puke. Yes, the math is right, I checked.
5. The Struggle
Ahh the realest stage of all. You did the impossible: rallied your friends (someone is always missing) and found a way home (Uber surge fees are a real b*tch, huh?). If you managed to do both of those things and made it home with an overdrafted checking account and a pounding headache, then you were in just the right shape to take on the next part of stage 5: food. Doesn’t matter what it was, you ate it, and then you napped. Some may have decided to boot, rally and go out again. For the savages who did, we salute you.