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The 5 Phases Of Your Weekend Hangover

Us college kids are well accustomed to the drunken, hungover weekend routine. Drink-Eat-Sleep-Eat-Sleep Again-Eat-Drink. It’s a deadly cycle that, for some odd reason, we enjoy. Those long Saturday hangovers come back to haunt us every weekend, despite promising to,“never drink again.”  We all know that’s the biggest lie we’ve ever told each other. That being said, here’s the 5 phases we go through during our weekly hangover struggle:

1. The Thirst

You can’t possibly fall back asleep until you get rid of this cotton mouth. You open your eyes halfway and use every muscle in your body to reach for that glass of water. The tequila shots from the night before have taken every ounce of energy you had, yet you chug the whole glass, and, for 15 seconds, you have relief from this awful hangover. Don’t worry though, it’ll be back later to torture you for the rest of the day. 


2. The Headache

You wake up for the second time around 11 a.m., dazed, confused and in pain. Your head feels like its been split in two and you’re wondering how that bruise on your leg got there. You can barely open your eyes because the sun is blaring through your window and you gag at the sight of the half empty bottle of Burnetts on your dresser. You whisper to yourself, “What happened last night?” By some miracle, you eventually crawl out of bed and pop 3 advil, full of shame and regret. 


3. The Feast

You finally find your phone (hopefully not cracked) somewhere burried under blankets. You see about 5 missed calls and non-stop text messages popping up in the group chat. You manage to gather everyone to meet at the nearest diner or deli for a bacon egg and cheese, 2 glasses of water and a coffee. The five of you are spotted rockin’ last night’s make-up, an oversized sweatshirt and a messy bun…and not the cute, stylish kind. You’re all trying to piece together the previous night at the bar, which seems to be the jigsaw puzzle from hell. Evidently, you all decide it’s better to forget the drunk texts and never talk about the guy you made out with again. 


4. The Nap

The hours between 2 p.m. and 4 p.m. on a hungover Saturday are strictly for napping. You’ve just eaten your body weight in homefries, so naturally it’s time to hit the pillow and put on some netflix. You’re trying your hardest to rejuvinate your body’s energy, because, let’s face it, you’re a sleepy, struggling, vomit-stuck-in-your-hair zombie at this point. Thanks, Vodka. ​  


5. The Rebirth

At about 4:30 p.m. you wake up, finally ready to function, even though the day is basically over. You’re able to get done whatever “errands” and “responsibilties” you had planned for that day: homework, laundry, food shopping, etc. Ahhh, no more headache, no more nausea; awake and refreshed, you’re ready to take on Saturday night. You open up your roomies door to wake her butt up and ask the question we all hear about 5x every day, “What are we doing tonight?” Everyone hop in the car, it’s time to hit the liquor store, again.


Long Island grown. Double major in Public Relations and Political Science. Lover of coffee, netflix, the beach, Donald Trump & the NY Rangers.
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