It’s Thanksgiving Dinner and you, like so many innocent Americans, are about to experience the inescapable hell of dinner politics. I don’t know about you, but my family is not made up of Trump or Clinton experts. Still, this holiday season, we will continue our long-standing tradition of NOT having a stimulating political debate, and instead take a hard left toward “I WIN, I’M LOUDER”. This inevitable doom can and will not be prevented. It is coming, and the only thing you can do is prepare. Lucky for you I have taken the time to thoughtfully develop 10 fool proof strategies of coping with right versus left wing animosity over right versus left wing turkey preferences That, my friends, is something to be thankful for. You’re welcome.
1. Just start screaming
It will probably scare someone, definitely interrupt everyone, and either way people will shut up.
2. Burp as loudly as humanly possible
Again, it will probably scare someone, and definitely interrupt everyone, thus, temporary peace.
3. Bring up family drama/secrets
Benghazi was horrible, Uncle Steve, you’re right, and yes, Aunt Lilian, p*ssy is not a presidential word, but remember that one time you guys cheated on each other and began your hideous divorce. That was pretty crazy, too, AMIRITE?!
4. “Accidentally” stab whoever brought up this hellish topic
A quick, painless (for you) solution.
5. Drink
This will not stop anyone from talking, but it will make living through it a whole lot easier. (Hack: This works for most occassions, not just Thanksgiving.)
6. Go for “a walk” with your cousins
Come back hungry with bloodshot eyes, because your allergies are just acting up from being outside on that walk.
7. Burn down the house
Everyone will have to leave, bummer.
8. Did I say drink?
Seriously, keep doing that.
9. Stuff your mouth with as much food as possible and try to swallow
This will make you to choke, causing you to either lose conciousness or die. Either outcome is better than hearing your drunk Uncle babble about the sanctity of abortion.
10. Ask for a moment of silence…for the troops
Works. Every. Time.