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How to survive a slasher: The ultimate guide

Halloween — a time for trick-or-treating, partying, and family get-togethers. And a month-long dose of Slasher films!

Gore galore is the hymn of this pagan holiday. Ever since filmmakers discovered audiences’ taste for blood and murder, Hollywood has churned out movies featuring a cast of (mostly horny, mostly hedonistic) teenagers getting picked off one by one by a serial killer. Micheal, Jason, Ghostface, just to name a few, are synonymous with slasher films. 

However, imagine one day you are teleported to an alternate universe where, dun dun duuun, serial killers similar to Jason or Michael Myers stalk neighborhoods. What do you do? How will you make it alive? Fear not, my fellow readers, for I shall tack on some guidelines to sort out a plan for you.

  1. Move out of town!

So, you wake up from your bed, peer through the window, and find yourself in Suburbialand #2238, USA, then it’s time to GTFO! Steal your parent’s money and move somewhere else, like Puerto Rico. One thing that stands out in Slasher films is that the killer’s victims are always American teenagers. White, flesh and blood American teenagers. You’ll be safe if you move to one of the unincorporated territories, like Puerto Rico, since a good chunk of Americans are notoriously bad at geography, and nearly half don’t know Puerto Ricans are American citizens, so you can bet your butt that a serial killer won’t have a clue where Borinquen is on a map. 

  1. Make no friends!

Are your school/neighborhood friends comprised of a jock, a mean blonde, a stoner, an athlete, and a burnout? Ditch them! You’ll get yourself butchered by being around those melodramatic fools! And don’t even think about making new friends. They just serve as cannon fodder for the serial killer. 

However, you could seduce a few people from your school (seduce ≠ intercourse!) so they can die for you. An immoral action, I know. 

  1. Don’t drink, don’t do drugs, and don’t bang

Is there any need to elaborate?

  1. Prep up

Do you have a closet full to the brim with high-heels and other fancy shoes? Throw them into the trash! Get yourself a few pairs of running shoes or hiking boots. You don’t want to be Miss “oh-I-tripped-on-my-heels” do you?

After buying those shoes, start packing a backpack with the bare essentials for survival: first aid kit, matches, clothes, flashlight, duct tape, money, and canned food. (Read this article for an in-depth explanation). Stash the backpack somewhere accessible in your room.

The next thing you should do is exercise. Hit the gym and try to stay in shape. If you’re too shy or don’t have time for gym, then the next best thing is to walk a lot. Getting those legs toned up is essential.

Oh, and always carry a swiss army knife. 

  1. Listen to the kooky old townsperson!

Yes, you heard right. In this universe, a kooky old townsperson will give away valuable information about the killer’s origins and motivations. Heck, they might help you steer away from an abandoned summer camp. Lend them an ear!

  1. Identify the killer

So, you encountered the killer. He just slaughtered one of your “friends” and is chasing after you. If he’s running after you (which means he/she is mortal), lose sight of him and regroup with your “friends” to set up a trap. Realistically, they’ll serve as a sacrifice for the killer until you land a knife in his head (or throat) and send him to Hades. 

On the other hand, if the killer snails towards you, be careful. A single stab to the chest or head or throat may not be enough. If you incapacitate him, blow his brain out with a shotgun (there’s always one lying around) or decapitate him and burn it to crisps. 

Is the killer a creepy-looking doll like Chucky? Well, don’t rest for a minute and tear it limb from limb and burn it. Go on a frenzy like in The Bacchae.

Hopefully, there’s a one in a trillion chance you won’t get teleported to another world inhabited by a crazy serial killer. But if you do, then you already know how to survive. 

Emilio H. Mejill Ortiz is a fifth-year UPRM student pursuing a mayor in pure mathematics. His two dreams after graduating is to one day publish a novel and to drive from Miami to Seattle. He loves reading, learning about history, and strives to master koine greek.
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