Well, I mean matrícula, which is about the same. Facebook is flooding with colorful screenshots of Mi Portal, accompanied by mercy prayers and cries for help such as “What do you guys think of my terribly poor life choices?” Well…here is what we think about each and one of them:
1. “I enrolled so-and-so as my Pre Calculus professor because my friends told me s/he’s good.”
Well, how do I put this delicately…wait, I can’t. Look fella, this class is hard. In fact, this is the hardest class that you will ever take in your entire academic career. It is designed as a filter to separate the kids from the grown ups. It will make you cry tears of blood and regret every minute of your foolish decision to ever believe that you got this whole Colegio thing handled. So, whomever you take it with will not change the fact that your best outcome will be a C on the first try so that you don’t ever have to return to this dark place again.
2. “I want a challenge, so I am going to take Organic Chemistry, Human Physiology, Calculus, Physics, Statistics, and Evolution together.”
P.S. This is not a joke: it was taken from an actual, existing post by a UPRM student. REALLY? I mean, amigo…DON’T. Have some self-respect. Out of the many poor life choices you can make, I assure you this could be the worst one yet. Word of advice? If your next semester looks anything like this, you only have one choice….date de baja de la vida.
3. “I’m going to take Quantum Physics as an elective, I’ve always been interested in science.” –said by a Social Sciences major
Excuse me, are you Stephen Hawking? Then NO. What ever happened to Folk Dancing or Art Appreciation? Kiddos, life is giving you a free pass on an easy A; and here you are, wasting it. If you want to learn Quantum Physics or Biochemistry, read a book, don’t TAKE A FREAKING ELECTIVE THAT YOU WILL FAIL. You’re welcome (caps were a complete necessity).
4. “Al que madruga Dios lo ayuda”
And you get in every day at 7:30 a.m. Well, you might think you can succeed at this because you did it at school for twelve years and blah, blah, blah.You did, past tense: before you lived alone, went to bed at 3:00 a.m., before you were a lazy, drunken college student. Now you are old, unwilling and incapable of waking up every day with the sunrise; and if you are, you should rather join the army since it pays better. So, for your own good, ABORT MISSION.
5. “My semester will be a piece of cake because I only have class on Tuesdays and Thursdays.”
Hurray! Let me clear this up for you. Are you aware that all your tests and papers are highly likely to be due around the same time? Are you getting the picture of what I am saying? Exactly. Not smart at all…
6. “I’ll leave labs for Fridays, that way I’ll be more relaxed during the week.”
WHY? Just why? In case you’re unaware, you cannot miss a single lab: you only have three strikes, which means that your dog, your grandma and your fish can’t die on the same semester. It is that simple. Are you aware that the Yellow Block happens on a Thursday? And Halloween at La calle? And in general, any worthwhile jangueo ever. Why would you? It is not worth it, ever (unless David Beckham is your lab instructor).
7. “All my classes are one after the other because breaks are overrated: I want to be out of class as soon as possible.”
And then BOOM! 5 classes in a row. Been there, and after the third one you will be hoping to have ebola so that you have a valid excuse to skip the next two. You get hungry, sleepy, angry, all within five periods of fifty minutes each, which is too much for any poor heart to handle.
8. “I should take ESMA with MATE and COMP together. I want to get rid of my Math requirements quickly.”
Should you mix vodka with tequila and whiskey? Obviously not! No two classes that involve numbers should ever coincide in one matrícula, simple as that.
9. “I am hella motivated for this semester so I am going to take 19 credits!”
Je Je Je Je….15 is ideal, 18 is enough, anything above is just madness. Take it from a desperate senior who has been packing up with 21 credits for the past two semesters: as much as I want to believe it’s worth it, I have about a dozen nervous breakdowns per semester and keep asking myself why nobody stopped me from committing suicide in the slowest, most painful way possible. Oh wait, they did warn me but I, a genius, didn’t listen.
10. “My matícula looks perfect!”
All of these mistakes, accompanied by a screenshot of the so-called “perfect” schedule. Where do you study bro, Narnia? Let me put this clearer: Are you an athlete, senior, in the school band, or a summa cum laude student? Well, if the answer is none of the above, then there is NO WAY IN HELL you are ever getting your dream matrícula on the third day of enrollment at 3:00 p.m. Sorry to burst your bubble. See you at ajustes!