Given the sheer amount of people currently attending post-secondary courses all over the world, we can go on a limb here and say that there are a lot of fish in the sea. There’s tons of fun in the surf and turf, because many people want in on it – which is totally cool! – but just because the water’s warm doesn’t mean it’s safe out in the ocean. Before you dive in, here are 6 warning signs to help you steer clear of murky waters.
Think twice about looking for a partner if you’re looking for…
1) Someone to “fix” or “save” you.
The problem with this kind of mentality is that it places you in a lot of danger. When we base our relationship goals in being with somebody who can make us “better”, we set ourselves up for failure because we assume we can be “fixed”, when that just isn’t true. The only person who knows change you is you. Putting your very identity in someone else’s hands in the hopes of achieving a goal will only end badly.
Photo credit: sicknotepix Mirka via photopin (license)
2) Someone that you can “change”.
This, too, is a type of toxic mentality, and it goes hand in hand with the previous one. People don’t change who they are easily, and if they do, it’s not without incredible difficulty, soul-searching, and time. Moreover, trying to force somebody to be the way you want them to be is not just super unfair for that person, it’s downright wrong. If you don’t click with someone, you just don’t click – learn to let others be the way they are.
3) A parent.
When you dive into the wonderful world of dating, you should be looking for a partner, not a babysitter. As (probably) an adult, you know you have your own responsibilities. It only makes sense to assume that your partner, too, has quite the busy life. The problem is assuming otherwise. Thinking that they should always be by your side no matter what, or counting on them picking up after you when you make big mistakes, is incredibly unfair for the both of you. You take away your own agency as a person and you put a lot of unnecessary stress on your partner as well.
4) Your other half.
There is an overwhelming and pervasive notion in our society that we need to be in a relationship. This kind of mentality can really get to a gal — a lot of people, but especially women, are constantly pressured into getting that “significant other”. Víctor disagrees with that notion. “People think they need someone else to be happy or to function,” he says, “and they need to realize that they are enough and are a whole person. That dependency comes from society’s standards of a ‘happy life’, but in reality you don’t need someone else in order to be complete.” Lixa agrees, and adds: “Don’t look for someone to complete you, look for someone that complements you.”
5) A bank account
While we’d like to think this isn’t as big a problem anymore, this kind of relationship is still apparent nowadays (perhaps especially nowadays). The thing is, the one you’re going to date isn’t a fat wad of cash in a back pocket — it’s a person, with feelings, dreams, and goals. Basing a romance on whether or not your S.O. can pay after your stuff is an unstable and frankly lousy deal. You should have hearts in your eyes, not dollar bills! As Lixa aptly puts it: “You should not look into someone for their monetary status. They’ll be your partner, not your bank.”
6) An stressball.
Literally and figuratively. We understand that our day-to-day lives, past experiences, and future worries bring a lot of very valid negative feelings. However, not everybody handles it properly. A surprising amount of people take out their stress on others and this is especially apparent when it comes to relationships. Here’s a word of advice: get to know yourself well before you go out dating. Are you the kind of person that lashes out when hurt? Do you feel like you need to be punished? These are two sides of a very dangerous coin. Whether it’s punching or being punched, this is not at ALL what you need to be looking for in a partner.
If you have trouble with things like anger management or low self esteem, think about seeking counseling or outside help to know if you’re ready to be in a relationship. It’s not impossible, but it’s your safest bet.
Being in a relationship can be a beautiful, exciting, and rewarding experience. That’s why it’s very important to do some soul-searching beforehand, and to really get to know whoever it is you’re interested in. Having a strong centre will make you and your player two have a lot more fun. (Just don’t forget the sunscreen.)
Thumbnail image is by Nick Fuentes and is used under a Creative Commons Licence.