I’ll admit that I was very hesitant to do this. In the midst of healing and finally paying attention to my feelings, I’ve come to learn that some wounds heal better with time and distance. I’ve never been someone who actively chooses to stay completely away from someone. Most of the people that have disappeared from my life have done so on their own merits.
Time makes you grow distant and invisible to some people and I’ve always been okay with that. However, the act of deciding to potentially ignore and erase someone from your life is such a big and lowkey scary decision.
I’ll be very real with you. Even though I did end things romantically with my last situationship, I didn’t necessarily end all communication (as I maybe should’ve in the first place). I didn’t think it was that big of a deal. While I ended any romantic action, I still believed in conserving our friendship (and for the most part, I still do). However, I started to realize that this wasn’t getting me anywhere. My feelings were still there and it was starting to feel humiliating to linger around.
In the midst of healing and moving on, my friends and social media started to feed me their experiences in “Contact Zero”. I knew what it meant and required but I didn’t feel quite ready. Like I’ve said before, you never become totally ready to do something that can cause discomfort, pain, or the opportunity to change. So, in an attempt to really put in the effort towards being the best version of myself, here are a few questions, tips, and my overall experience with Contact Zero.
Let’s debunk it!
Of course, What the heck is “Contact Zero”?
Basically, contact zero is actively deciding to distance and remove someone from your life to the point where they literally become strangers. No contact or interaction whatsoever.
Is it like ghosting?
It could be… and that is what scared me. I don’t think anyone is a fan of ghosting, (although I believe sometimes it’s completely necessary). You can choose to actively disappear out of the face of the Earth or actually tell this person what’s going on and how things will proceed. In my experience, I had technically already done this by “breaking up”.
Recently, I just opted to stop talking without an announcement.
Is eventually having contact an option?
Ideally, (according to my friends and TikTok) no. Deciding to do Contact Zero is implied in its name: ZERO. The fact of maybe considering having contact sorta removes you from the contact zero mentality.
HOWEVER- I firmly believe everyone does and should do contact zero differently. I’ve heard from some people that their contact zero mentality is just for a few months to ensure some proper distance, from others it’s been a steady and consistent streak of literally never speaking to someone ever again. Regardless, all of the experiences have something in common: they don’t have an estimated time for reaching out again. Most of the reencounters have been mere casualties. Whichever your reasoning, just make sure to have your stuff figured out before possibly thinking of reestablishing some contact.
Is contact zero only for romantic relationships?
ABSOLUTELY NOT! Sometimes contact zero is absolutely necessary between friends and even family. My first experiences with contact zero have been with friends and even family members.
My experience (the most asked)
As I said in the beginning, I’ve never done this type of thing. While I have obviously ghosted people, I am very new to this contact zero exercise. Deciding to actually do it meant I was potentially going to lose this person forever. I had already lost the battle “romantically”, so potentially losing something again in this interaction felt bitter. This wasn’t like ghosting someone you hooked up with on a random night out, this person actively became someone I cared about, (and still do). However, in recent events, I came to realize that even in a friendship aspect, we were never going to care for each other the same way. Besides that, I finally understood that I wasn’t going to heal or move on properly from my feelings without some proper contactless distance. And that became my first step into this journey.
I simply stopped. Without any warning, I firmly decided to just end communication. However, I’ve gone at my own pace and I will continue to do so. In the first weeks, I removed them from my close friends, finsta account, and archived our Whatsapp conversation. However, I decided to keep them on social media, because I truly don’t mind it. I wish them happiness and I know they do for me as well. For now, I settle with us having to see each other shine from a distance. Again, you decide to do your contact zero the way you want to. At the end of the day, I value this person and our friendship.
Regardless of the ending, this person has won a place in seeing me grow and be happy, just like I hope I’ve won it in their life as well.
It’s been extremely hard. Of course, there are days harder than others. I think, indirectly, this person knows what’s going on and has decided to remain distant and I’m very thankful for that. I’ll admit that my case is potentially easier because of the fact that they are in a completely different time zone. I don’t feel scared to potentially see them in public or anything, because for the time being we are in completely different countries. Hopefully, if we do coincide in the same place, I won’t be so scared of seeing them.
(Although my friends will probably hate me for this) I don’t oppose, in some very far and distant future to eventually maybe meet up and catch up. I don’t think I’ll ever rekindle such intense and constant conversations, even if we still remain friends after all the distance. For now, I’ve recognized that any form of contact is not good for me nor for all of the things I’m trying to achieve. I’m living some of the things I’ve dreamt of for so long that all of my energy is shifting to focusing on just that. No boys or girls for a while. My experience with contact zero has also included hookups, casual dating, and just the potential of meeting someone new.
There is only one thing on my mind and it’s me.
While this is an overview of how it’s been going, I’ll share some quick tips that have been essential in this process.
You set the rules.
I love my friends, but in this type of decision-making, we think very differently. It’s easy to get quickly influenced or potentially pressured by people around you during this process. While they do want what’s best for you, you must decide how to do things at your own pace and timing. Just because it worked for someone else, doesn’t mean it will work for you. Therefore, do this however the hell you want– as long as you’re doing it.
Distractions are an A+
Sometimes you need to be busy so they don’t pop into your mind. Tackle new experiences and challenges that will inspire you to grow and potentially heal. However, be careful not to overwork yourself for the sake of not thinking.
Remind yourself constantly why you are doing this.
Some days will be harder than others. In those tricky days, take time to listen to how you feel and remind yourself why you started. Validate your emotions and work towards continuing on your journey. It’s normal to want to tell them some things because of the history between you.
SUPPORT!
Part of this has been manageable because of the support of my friends and from finding someone that’s actually going through the same thing. Whenever I’ve felt like writing, I’ve leaned on them to share my thoughts and seek support. It’s also a bit more motivating knowing you’re doing it with people who are also trying to grow out of that place. Being around that energy has pushed me to try and do better.
Hookup at your own risk
While being under (or on top) of someone is never a bad idea. Be careful of how early during this journey you decide to do so. While we all work and heal at different paces, sometimes distancing ourselves from casual hookups and sex could be great to properly sort out the baggage of what you are trying to forget. After all, an epic sexy comeback healed and sorted out is much hotter than any rebound interaction.
Playlists are a lifesaver
I’ve found some comfort (and distraction) in curating a playlist for this journey. From anger to sadness and girlboss energy, this playlist has a little bit of everything that has helped me in some way to heal and process what I’m going through, and I hope it does to you.
If there is a takeaway from this whole experience is how much you can truly grow in such a short amount of time. From ending a situationship, to actually starting to heal, to now embracing, leaving, and disconnecting from people.This “trilogy” of some sort makes me look back and feel amazed at how we take for granted our progress. As I move on towards new topics, ideas, and experiences (cause I have no idea how you all put up with this melodrama), I truly hope to continue feeling grateful and happy throughout all of it.