It was going to be an amazing night. I wore my sleek little black dress, dark lips and sky high heels. My friend José* was my date for the night and when we got to the place, everything was perfect. The fundraiser had a silent auction, a big band, and food samples from restaurants. Of course, there was artisanal beer and a nice selection of wine. It was probably the first time I ever dared go to an event where I barely knew the people that attended. Even so, I’d found my way around mingling with other students that also were part of the student organization who was hosting.
At the end of the night, I sort of waited around to see when José* would decide to go home, but he was having fun talking with his friends. He kindly introduced me to them and we talked for a while until one of the guys from the organization started handing out the wine and beer that was left over. I took several sips of wine and tried the beer. There was so much left over that they took it all to Ian’s*, a member of the student organization’s committee board, off-campus apartment, where we headed to the impromptu after-party.
What I headed into next was not at all what I was expecting. Where did so many people come from? The smoke-filled room felt like it came straight out of a college party movie. I sat on the couch for a while and listened to some music, because, frankly, everyone around me was either drunk or making moves on one another. On my way to the kitchen, I was invited to play flip cup, and it was actually kind of fun. This can’t be so bad, Inarú; relax and let yourself have some fun. You deserve it, I thought.
But right after the celebratory cheer, I wasn’t so sure anymore. I made my way to the bathroom to try and freshen up and to find a little peace amongst the chaos. I found my way up some stairs and onto the roof. The view was breathtaking. It’s rare to find a six-story apartment that has such a beautiful view of my university. But while I was taking it all in, Ian* came rushing towards me thinking I was going to jump. I laughed it off, slightly embarrassed that he had gotten that impression, and let him walk me back downstairs. I couldn’t help but feel a bit protected by his kindness.
He took me to one of the bedrooms and told me to stay with Carolina*, another member of the organization I had met that semester. I was one of the new members of the group, so she was really one of the only people in the room I knew. She seemed right in her element somehow, talking to everyone without the slightest of hesitation. As the night lingered on, Carolina* and I talked about a bunch of things, everything from classes to boys. She made me feel comfortable enough to be honest, and I let it out that I hadn’t really gotten over my past relationship. It was then that she seemed determined to get me to hook up with someone that night. I thought it was fun and just a hypothetical game of ‘what if’, until boom, there John*, Ian’s roommate, was.
I started to get nervous and, although Carolina was encouraging, it only made me feel like I had to be polite and talk to him until I could slip away without anyone noticing. As soon as I thought everyone was distracted enough, I left and went to the other room, trying to think of how I was going to get home. Why did I wear heels? I heard the door open to see John* come in. I had apparently walked into his room. He was nice and said that he only wanted to keep talking, and that he was worried that he might have done something wrong. I told him he hadn’t, but that I was ready to leave. I was exhausted and tipsy and wanted nothing more than to take a long hot shower and go to bed. As I was talking, he started to get closer and rub my legs. Before I knew it, he was giving me a full-on, sloppy, wet kiss. I didn’t stop him. I felt my heart beat fast and my ears pound as I found myself laying on my back, not stopping him from taking off my dress. As he started to grope my body and suck on my neck, I snapped. I hated myself instantly for not being able to find my voice. I pushed him off but he tugged at me. I stumbled off the bed and began trying to find my dress and shoes. He came up behind and began to beg. Is he serious? I gotta get out of here. As I pulled up the zipper of my dress, I told him I was leaving. He just tried to pull it down again. In the midst of my struggle, the door swung open and there entered a girl I took classes with and Ian*. A little frazzled and surprised by what they saw, they shut the door. I’d like to believe they thought they saw someone who wanted to be there, and not what was actually happening: that I was fighting him off.
He reluctantly let me leave the room, and I realized as I made my way out that everyone had left. The party had ended. José* was nowhere to be seen and apparently Carolina* had left with another guy. The only person that I knew I’d find was Ian*. Ian* was in the kitchen cleaning up and when he saw me, his eyes opened wide and a wry smile came across his face. He told me to go back to bed, it was late and that everyone had gone home. He led me back to John’s room and said, “You should probably look in the mirror.”
I was crazy enough to walk back in and just lay on the bed next to him. Thankfully, he had already crashed.
The events of the morning after are probably more of a blur than anything, not because I don’t remember what happened, but because I never allow myself to revisit the pain I felt leaving that apartment. I’ve always preferred to be someone who kept such pain with me to deal with on my own. And that’s what I did. Until now, I guess.
I am not a victim of this situation, nor do I pretend to be completely okay and at peace with it. It’s a process, which writing has become a part of. In light of the scrutiny many universities in the United States are now facing because of their inadquate responses to campus rapes and sexual assaults, I thought I would share my story with you. Why? Because I want everyone to know that sexual assault happens, and that it occurs here too. The subject has too often been left unspoken because it’s a ‘private topic’, one to be spoken of only in hushed tones. There is no reason to be embarrased or feel ashamed. There is nothing that can justify the occurance of a sexual assault. Ever.
Although it has taken time, I’ve learned that lesson loud and clear. On my part, I made the very personal decision to forgive and continue my life. Forgive, but never forget. My story… it’s for you, collegiette.
“God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change; courage to change the things I can;and wisdom to know the difference.”
-Reinhold Niebuhr
*Names have been changed.
Image courtesy of www.prn.fm.
For more information on sexual assault:
Hotline: 1.800.656.HOPE(4673).
RAINN also has an online hotline: https://ohl.rainn.org/online/