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Loving requires expressing and receiving feelings but… are you expressing them the way your partner wants to receive them? Learn tips on how to communicate love according to Gary Chapman’s five love languages.
“Your emotional love language and the language of your spouse may be as different as Chinese from English. No matter how hard you try to express love in English, if your spouse understands only Chinese, you will never understand how to love each other.” That is the introductory note of Dr. Gary Chapman’s book, The 5 Love Languages: The Secret to Love That Lasts.
Everything began when he became a pastor and began offering courses in which he would discuss marriage and family. Couples that were struggling would talk to him and ask for advice. He started helping them, but his own marriage was going through a difficult time. In an interview for The New York Times, Dr. Chapman said: “I would tell her how nice she looked, how much I appreciated everything she did, and I would tell her, over and over, ‘I love you, I love you, I love you.’” Then, he added: “But one night she said to me, ‘You keep saying, “I love you,” but if you love me, why don’t you help me?’” At that moment, he realized he appreciated receiving compliments (words of affirmation), but his wife valued acts of service. He used his experience as a marriage counselor to gather notes and look for patterns in different relationships, even in his own, to introduce 5 categories: words of affirmation, quality time, acts of service, physical touch, and receiving gifts. Dr. Chapman devised a multiple-choice quiz, which included 30 simple questions. Once you finish the quiz, it gives you the percentage of every love language along with a small description of each.
If you haven’t taken the quiz, you may have the following questions: What exactly does each love language mean? How can we understand our own love languages and our partner’s? Here is a small explanation of each love language and tips on how best to show affection according to Dr. Chapman.
- Words of Affirmation
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Retrieved from SimplyPsychology
This category entails verbal communication (written or spoken) in which a person enjoys and values hearing people’s thoughts and emotions.These expressions can come in various forms such as praise, compliments, positive phrases, gratitude, encouraging words, endearments, etc. These positive words are important to those individuals whose primary language is words of affirmation because it is the key to feel secure and validated. Hurtful words and negative tones of voice can be extra harmful for them.
Some of the easiest ways to express words of affirmation in romantic relationships are by saying “I love you,” “thank you for helping me with x,” and “I’m here for you if you need me.” This can also be in written form by sending daily texts or even writing letters to your special someone.
It is important to express yourself correctly and watch your voice’s tone since it can be hurtful and problematic. If used incorrectly, words of affirmation can turn into love bombing or gaslighting, turning the relationship into a toxic and manipulative one.
- Quality Time
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Retrieved from SimplyPsychology
Quality time reflects people who feel fulfilled and loved when someone makes an active effort to spend time with them. Quality time can range from different activities such as finding a shared hobby, working toward a goal together, or even just having meaningful talks and bonding time. For individuals whose primary love language is quality time, “being present in the moment” and fully engaged with them is very important. The lack of effort or spending time together with disinterest can be hurtful and harmful to them.
Some examples of activities you can do with your loved one are: visiting a museum or art gallery, cooking a meal, and binge-watching a new series. During these activities, it’s important to give your partner your undivided attention, to listen actively, and to engage in meaningful conversation. Making time to spend together and creating opportunities to connect with them is vital.
It’s important to take into consideration that there are few actions that can make them feel unloved or undervalued, such as constantly canceling plans and complaining about the activity.
- Acts of Service
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Retrieved from SimplyPsychology
This love language refers to people that feel love or express love when they do tasks their partner would appreciate. One phrase that can describe this category is “actions speak louder than words.” For people who have acts of service as a primary love language, it’s hurtful when they’re overwhelmed and people don’t assist them. It’s harmful when someone offers to help and backs out in the end.
Some examples of acts of service are: identifying tasks your partner dislikes, incorporating them into your routine, and having the initiative to help. These aspects are essential as they will create a balanced love and appreciation.
It’s important to take into consideration that while performing a task, your gestures have to be genuine and not forced, and you should always remember your importance. You should not perform tasks you’re uncomfortable doing. Instead, find alternative ways to help without crossing your own boundaries, this will prevent you from making any hasty comments.
- Physical Touch
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Retrieved from Simply Psychology
The next love language emphasizes expressing and receiving love through physical gestures like hugging, holding hands, and cuddling. These acts demonstrate closeness, comfort, and emotional connection for individuals who prioritize this form of affection. In other words, people who have physical touch as their primary love language prioritize close proximity, which can be fostered through touch, feelings of connection, and partnership. For those individuals, being physically avoided can lead to emotions of unwantedness and neglect.
Some examples to showcase this type of affection and love are holding hands, kissing, hugging, dancing, and even playing with their hair. Physical touch is not the same as sexual intimacy, these are two different aspects. According to Simply Psychology, for some people, physical touch can translate into more soothing touches like gentle strokes, cuddles, or caresses.
Physical touch is an integral part of a relationship, since it allows couples to get closer emotionally, share intimacy, and express their love for each other. It’s important to consider non-verbal cues, if your partner looks uncomfortable it could be an indicator of dislike. Additionally, you should never force or guilt someone to use this love language.
- Receiving gifts
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Retrieved from Simply Psychology
Lastly, receiving gifts is emphasizing love through tangible tokens, where the intent and sentiment behind the gift are emotionally valued by the recipient. Love is expressed best when they receive something that is thoughtful (tangible or intangible), since it’s not the item itself that’s important, but the meaning behind the gift. It can be disappointing and hurtful to individuals whose primary love language is receiving gifts if their partner refrains from surprising them with gifts or doesn’t take time to put thought behind their presents.
It’s significant to identify your partner’s preferences and learn what things they enjoy receiving, that way you can properly identify what you can give them. Some examples of gifts are books, jewelry, photo albums with a collection of favorite pictures, or buying their favorite dessert. There are some principles to keep in mind: pay attention to their preferences, personalize gifts, do not focus on luxury all the time, and remain consistent. Also, you have to stay true to your words—if you say you’re going to give them something, you have to do it. Try not to forget anniversaries or special occasions either, since they can represent an emotional importance to your partner. Gifts should not be used as a cover for problems in the relationship or behavior.
And those are the five love languages according to Garry Chapman! It’s important to mention that primary love languages are not gender or age specific, they can change through time. In addition, communicating with your partner and learning about them can make your relationship stronger…. I want to know, did you identify your love language?