We all remember our first crush. The letters of their name might be a mystery, and their face has faded into foggy memories, but you have never managed to forget the way they made you feel. The sweaty palms, the butterflies in your stomach, and the yearning to see them as much as possible. That urge to tell someone, anyone, about it in order to dissect every single thing this person did and said. A fun innocence that makes you believe in magic. We have all been there. I have witnessed some of the strongest minds of our generation be reduced to a blubbering mess over what was supposed to be a silly crush. But the worst part will always be when you come down from the high clouds, plant your feet on the ground, and realize that the object of your fixation is just a person.
THE CRUSH OF YOUR DREAMS… LITERALLY
Let me explain. Most of the time, the less you know about the person, the harder you fall in love with your imagination’s idea of them. In your head, you have the space to construct a very real human being from scratch. You customize their personality and explore different scenarios with them, kind of like an alternate universe. This type of free fall, where we give so much of ourselves over to mere possibilities, gets old quickly. Imagining the embrace of another person will never ensure the warmth of their actual presence. We never truly get to be with the people that have been created by ourselves.
Truth is, it’s more likely that our crushes don’t even exist. We focus on what we want to perceive in them and forget to truly see the person in front of us. By removing all their little quirks and replacing them with our favorite virtues, we take in their smile and selfishly think that we could be the reason behind it; even in those cases when they have no idea who we are. Don’t feel bad, everyone does this. As long as you’re not outwardly forcing someone to change just for your amusement, you’re okay.
THE BEAUTY OF THE BEGINNING
The beginning stages of a crush is the best part. That is when your feelings are only known by you and the sensation sweeps you off your feet. But ultimately, change is a part of life, and we outgrow things like crushes. That is why having a crush will always feel like it’s something to be embarrassed about as you get older. More so, when we end up doing things that haunt us for years. It gets worse when the people around us give us a reason to give in to our worries. What do you mean you liked an old comment on your crush’s Instagram by accident at 3:25 am? Why do you know their entire birth chart yet have no idea what their middle name is? Wait, did I hear you correctly? Did you just say that you think that the random guy that made your Frappuccino this morning is the one for you?
All these in-depth investigations we make are justified by our momentary crush-induced insanity. In all honesty, financial compensation should be offered to our friends– the jury that has to stand witness to our behavior and sit through detailed explanations that stretch out to even the smallest interactions.
I know you may think that you have your crushes under control, but you truly don’t. Crushes are not a nice little tote bag that ties your outfit together, they are the noisy suitcase that carries everything you think you might need but realistically don’t. They refuse to blend into the background, like a small coffee spill that has the power to ruin your favorite shirt.
THE PART WHERE WE LET GO
So, we let go. Our grip on reality starts to gain strength again as we remember that there is life before and after a crush. There are no more attempts to attract attention, all those past scenarios seem so silly and you have more energy to think about other things. Such as that class you’re failing because you were too busy figuring out how to star in your own rom-com when you should have been hitting the books. Yeah, the fall from grace is brutal. A walk of shame back into the real world. Especially when that person is still ingrained in your routine.
How dare you not drop out of class the second I stopped crushing on you? What do you mean the cute cashier at Hot Topic didn’t immediately quit his job once I forced myself to forget about him? Why can’t you get new friends so we don’t have to share mutuals? The consequences of our own delusions are incredibly humbling because you can’t really blame Cupid, not even a baby with a bow and arrow would go to such lengths to humiliate someone. That was all you and your little fixation of the week, month, or year.
From infatuation to jump scares there’s only one step. When you like someone, you’re willing to light up pumpkin spice candles and clutch your crystals to invoke their presence. If they so much as breathe next to you, the group chat will be notified. Everything and anything that happens with them is the greatest news to share –the best part of your day. But the days when nothing happens? Oh, it’s a Shakespearean tragedy. Love has suddenly died, perhaps it never existed. These are the moments when it begins to set in, that you’re too involved and your mood is now too dependent on your crush’s actions. You have become far too aware of how they might perceive you. This leads to stress over how you look, how you talk, and even how you react to things in front of them. For someone else to have so much power is the most crushing realization of it all, and moving on becomes appealing. The second you stop viewing this person through rose-colored glasses, you might even get the ick.
FINALLY, THE ICK
The ick isn’t necessarily because of them, but because of your own role in how things went down. I have done things under the influence of having a crush that not even the government could get me to confess. Whenever my friends try to bring up my theatrics, I deny, deny, deny. That wasn’t me, I was going through a tough time, it was the mercury retrograde! But even my masterful lies cannot soften the embarrassment of interacting with my crushes once I’ve gotten over them. Oh, to look in their eyes and remember the frail nature of my sanity. I do not recommend it, we should leave extremely crushing on someone back in elementary school.
The ghosts of crushes past come for all of us, no one can be saved when they decide to walk amongst the living. We cannot control who we like or when we like them, so we shouldn’t be so hard on ourselves during the aftermath. Yes, sometimes having a crush drives you a little insane but the stories we get from it? The character development that is born out of being in the trenches over a virtual stranger? Baby, you can’t buy that on Amazon Prime. Have as many crushes as you want, and make a fool out of yourself over the person that lent you a pencil just once or smiled at you just as the sun hit their eyes. There is beauty in feeling so much so fast, burning bright like a star until it dissolves into dust. Don’t hold yourself back, but remember that keeping your feet on the ground is crucial at all times.