Being an odd, shy kid in school limited my social circle for my entire academic experience. I would usually be close friends with the annoying kid no one in the whole classroom could stand and the rest of the group would be made up of goofball boys, aggressive girls (like myself), and the class clowns. But I didn’t bond with them in the same way that I did with my friends at the new catholic school I entered in grade seven.
My first friend there approached me, as I sat by myself. I don’t remember how it led to it, but he suggested the series Sword Art Online. He explained the ‘ending’, which would later turn out to only be half of the season, but it seemed amazing to me. I had only seen anime as wallpapers and art of cute anime girls, so I was finally given the incentive to start my anime watching journey.
The same friend connected with three other students from a grade above us. It was a mix of video games, anime, and Tumblr that led to the creation of a friend group. I soon joined in and mostly connected with a student that introduced me to two other anime, Black Butler and Hetalia. Looking back on it now, I had the craziest introductions to this new world.
It wouldn’t be my first dip into fandom, but I was only aware of boy bands and book fandoms. This same older friend introduced me to fan art, fan fics, doujinshi, and independent comics, while I introduced her to books. We shared a world of jokes and shipping that lasted for a whole year. Whenever her grade was sent to the school’s courtyard due to an absent teacher, I could talk to my cherished friend, and that made me so happy.
Meanwhile, the teachers had to separate me from my first friend, who had first intoduced because we would talk and joke constantly. We even developed a list of limited hand gestures to indicate messages like “awkward” or “hilarious.”
The friend group now consisted of two younger members and four older ones. Don’t worry, we were only a year apart. I didn’t know how to manage social groups, so I assumed that I should only socialize with this group. I was confused and jealous when I saw my older friends chatting and laughing with their classmates. I mourned the loss of my second friend’s inner world when she matured and began to speak of other topics. Looking at it now, I was lost. I am grateful that I kept it to myself, but I wish I had a therapist then. I was told a year ago to “lower my standards” towards friends and it saved my life. It would have saved my heart in high school as well had I realized this before.
Our group saw the worst and best of each other. Two of them were good artists and would show us their art. The 3DS was banned, so the two gamers would play the console inside their bookbag, and we would sit around them so the teachers wouldn’t spot them.
We were queer, mentally ill, neurodivergent kids in a catholic school. We were in school uniforms, inside classrooms for six hours, on a tropical island. I was undiagnosed, so the classroom chatter would cause me severe stress. I can’t speak for the others, half of which I have lost contact with.
Thing is, fandom wasn’t enough to keep us together. The older students would graduate and my first ever friend, my best friend, was forced to change schools for his senior year. A few of my classmates came to me saying, “you miss him, huh?” because we were a duo, if not a trio with our other friend being a classmate from the same grade. I was sure that I had lost my soul in the 12th grade and I still feel that horrible loneliness just by remembering.
Then I entered college. My socialization skills flourished. I had few friends, but they were strong bonds. Now that I’m in my fifth year, I have three different friend groups. The original group had split in two due to conflict. The new smaller group has the two friends that I described earlier, the only good friends I had at the time. I’ve come to realize that I can briefly connect with people because of a character or a TV show that we love, and I’m content with knowing that, because of this, friends are only one conversation away.